DEFINITION OF LOVE

In a chemistry class, A Teacher asked a student to define love. A naughty student said" Love is the process whereby a boy sells his heart $50 to a girl or The girl sells her heart $50 to the boy" The teacher was annoyed and said " you must be crazy". The boy said" craziness is the process where the teacher will ask the student to define love in a chemistry class"

BALANCE DIET (1)

BALANCE DIET (2)

I'M THE BOSS

The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

LITTLE FRANK

A primary school teacher asked little Frank: did your father help you with your homework,
Frank: No aunty,he did it all by himself.

MASTER KEY

A girl asked her boyfriend, honey,why is it that when a girl have intimacy with more than one guy, she's a slut;people hate her, but when a guy does the same, he is a legend? the guy answered... "if a door is opened with more than one key, it becomes a useless door no one will want to keep anything important in a room with such door, but if a key opens more than one door, then its a MASTER-KEY

FATHER AND SON

A man followed his son to his school's end of the year party.
He saw other pupils being awarded gifts for their performance. His son did not collect any.
MAN: God! Why do you give me this kind of son? Are these not children too? At least, they belong to a parent too. Who will not be happy to see his child perform well like this?
The son heard this and was sad. When they end the program they walked out and wait for an Taxi or Bus, while others are going directly to their different cars. SON: God! Why have you given me this kind of father? Are these not someone's father, too. Who will his father have an Air Conditioned Jeep and will not be happy? See, see them as they are enjoying!
The man heard this and gave the son a dirty slap
MAN: silly boy, , dont you know that if you study hard now, you will buy a Jeep too?
SON: Dad, that means you did not study hard when you are young. Thats why you dont have car?

RESPONSIBLE

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

FAITHFULNESS

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”

The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

CHILDREN AGAIN

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

TV BOYFRIEND

My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.

The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

WEIRD BATHROOM PICTURE

CHINESE

Chinese to USA: five Chinese, Chu, Bu, Hu, Futheir names to American standards and Su decided to immigrate to the USA. In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
(Chu became Chuck) (Bu became Buck) ( Hu became Huck)
**
**
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

1. Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
 10. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
11. Women would rule the world.

U CAN'T STEAL MY BICYCLE

The Owner Must Really Love This Bicycle.

BLAME THE NETWORK

A Creditor called the person owing him some money and then he said:

Creditor: Hello, When am I getting my balance cus i can't take this any longer from you.
Debitor: "Hello,hello,hello, I can't hear you well !,
Hello,hello,hello , hello,  The network is cracking call me later!,

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR FATHER

A boy saw a girl and walked up to her to talk to her, instead of going straight to the point he began, I hope you know my father, Chief Johnson,the owner of (He called his father's company), the senatorial aspirant for his district. I am his first son and I would like you to be my girl.

To his amazement, the girl replied "I think I am in love with your father.

WORK JOKES

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, " $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

PERFECT EXAMPLES

At a Bible study meeting, the organizer told the group that they are going to discuss Bible verses about lying spirits and how it's affecting the new generation.

She then proceeded to ask them if they had already read the seventeenth chapter of Mark and said, "Please raise your hand." a few raise their hands.

"Fine." She said smiling, "You are perfect examples of our topic for today. There's no seventeenth chapter in the Book of Mark.

FRANK and MARY

Frank and Mary are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
 
Frank says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
 
Mary replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

MARRIAGE JOKES

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.

LITTLE ROMMY

Aunty: How many of u prayed this morning?

Romade: aunty I prayed

Aunty: alright romade, what did u pray for?

romade: i prayed that my uncle's car would break down when we go out together

Aunty: c'mon rommy! why?

Romade: but aunty, that is da only way he will stop and buy something for me.

THE MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dearest Samantha,


I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 20th of June 2009.


With reference to the meeting held between us on the 20th of June 2009 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

SHORTEST MONTH

Teacher: Mavis, can you tell me which month is the shortest?
Mavis: Its May, miss.
Teacher: No, it isnt. The shortest month is February.
Mavis: But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!

EXPERIMENT

A ninth-grade teacher wanted to demonstrate the evils of liquor to his young students. He produced a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms. "Now class, observe closely," he said as he dropped one of the worms into the glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water, perfectly happy. The teacher dropped the second worm into the glass of vodka. The worm swam around for a moment, then seized up and curled, quickly sinking to the bottom of the glass, dead as a doornail. "Now, what can be learned from this experiment?" the teacher asked his students. After a pause, a young man stood up and said, "Well, if you drink vodka, you'll never get worms."

SMART MADNES

A doctor was examing two of his psychatric patients to see who amongst them is getting better.he put them in a dark room and switchd on a torch light and said to them "Any one of you who can sit on the ray of this light will go home today"the first guy aproached the ray and started jumping hard 2 sit on it while the other sat in a corner laughing.the doctor looked at him and said its your turn he looked at the doctor and said "U THINK DAT AM MAD ?U WANT ME TO CLIMB THE RAY SO DAT WEN AM ON IT U WILL OFF THE LIGHT AND I WILL FALL! UR MAD"

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the
fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially  countries
with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet
and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

DRINKING HABIT

A man loses everything because of his drinking habit, this evening he saw empty bottles on the bar table,
He smashes 1 bottle swearing"my wife left me because of you",
Smashes 2nd bottle "you are the reason i don't have kids",
3rd bottle " your the reason i don't have a job",
But the 4th bottle was sealed and full of beer, So he said 'stand aside, i know your not involved.

ARE U MARRIED? (PART 1)

Wife: I wish I was a
newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all
day.
Husband: I too wish that you
were a newspaper, So I could
have a new one every day.

ARE U MARRIED? ( PART 2)

Husband: Today is Sunday &
I
have to enjoy it. So I bought
3
movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your
parents

A THIEF AND A FOOL

A man was walking down a lonely dark ally one night when he was stopped by a mugger with a gun.

THIEF: Your life or your money mister! [pointing a gun at his victim}

VICTIM: Take my life because i am saving my money for my old age.

SON VS MUM

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

LOVE IS BLIND

Two lovers decided to commit suicide. they go to the mountain top and the lady suggested that the guy jump first being a man, the guy jumped. the lady closed her eyes ,walked away and said love is blind. the guy released his hidden parachute, shook his head and said true love never dies

FATHER AND SON

A boy returned from school after examination and the following ensued between him and his father...

Son: Daddy, do you know something?

Daddy: No, until you tell me my son

Son: You are not going to buy books for me next session

Daddy: Why? Have you been given a scholarship?

Son: No! Iam repeating the class...

FOOLISH MAN

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife Unclad/naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "addy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally Unclad/naked, covering on the closet floor. "You bustard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around Unclad/naked scaring the kids!

MEN CAREFULL WHAT U ASK FOR....

Wife : Honey,i'm going to
London, Do you need
anything?
Husband : "jokingly" Yes a
BRITISH girl!! ;]
(Wife returns from London)
Husband : Where's my british
girl??
Wife : Don't think i dont keep my
word huh!
You have to wait for 9
months

Grand Pa and Grand Child

Grand pa told child:  Your teacher comes because u missed school today go and hide,
 The child said: I took an excuse that u died so u go and Hide.

MAN AND RECEPTIONIST

man: hello can I see the manager?
receptionist: whats ur name
man: Louder
receptionist: ur name please
man:Louder
receptionist: I mean what is ur name
man: Louder, Louder
receptionist: are u deaf! am at the top of my voice and u still can't hear me
man: my name is mr. Louder. Tell him mr. Louder from Scotland wants to see him
receptionist: I'm sorry sir

GRADUATION SURPRISE

BANK ROBBERY

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.

OLD MAN ( PART 2)

Someone asked an old man: Even after 90 years, u still call ur wife Darling, Honey, Sweetheart etc. What's ur secret? Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago n I'm afraid to ask her.

3 MEN

3 men took their wives to hospital for delivery, shortly a nurse came out and ask who is JOSEPH that works with three crown, d man stood up, congratulations, your wife has delivered 3 bouncing babies.
Shortly again the nurse came out and asked, who is JOHN that works with 7up, congratulations your wife has delivered 7 bouncing babies,
immediately the 3rd guy took off, he ran away cuz he was working with 33 lager beer !

SMART DRIVER

Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?

Man: i was driving at about 40mph, when i tried to stop i found that i had no brakes. i saw 2 men walking on the street and a wedding on d other side of d street, who should i hit?

Policeman: of course the 2 men,less damage.

Man: that's what i thought to myself, but when i did it, i hit only one and the other one ran to the wedding, SO I DROVE AFTER HIM!

MAN HEART VS WOMAN HEART

Things u will see in D̶̲̥̅̊ heart of a man and a woman

A MAN HEART.               

=Childrens School fees
=Electricity bill
=House rent
=Business for him n spouse
=Fuel    
=relations/ family fight
=everyday sleepless night

A WOMAN HEART

=jewelry, pearls
=new bags n shoes
=food
=latest car
=enjoyment
=outings
=abroad trips
=brazilian hair
=KFC
=silverbird cinema
=latest gossip

UNFAITHFUL WIFE

A man waved his wife goodbye as he was traveling out of town with the driver to drop him at the airport.

On his way, he remembered he forgot an important document and returned home.
His wife was having her bath with soap on her face; the husband tiptoed to the bathroom and touched her balloons.

The wife responded "Hey house boy don't start now, we have a whole day for ourselves my husband travelling".

When there was no response,she opened her eyes,

CHEAPEST WEDDING/ BEST WEDDING CAKE

5 FRIENDS

5 friends live in 1 apartment:
their names were: mad, brain, fool, somebody and nobody.
Somebody killed nobody at the time brain was in the bathroom mad called the police station.
police said: what is the matter?
Mad said: somebody killed nobody.
Police said: are u mad.
Maid said: yes, i am mad.
Police said: do u have a brain ?
Mad said: brain is in the bathroom.
Police said: u re a fool!
Maid said: no sir fool is reading this text.

TEACHER AND STUDENT

Question
Teacher - if all your chairs are not good, Who will you call for Repair?
Answer
Student- CHAIRMAN

HOW TO CHASE YOUR GIRLFRIEND AWAY

When you don't want to marry your girlfriend, just say:
baby,you know i love you very much and care about you,i just bought a 20 carat gold ring and i'm planning to propose when Arsenal wins both the premier league and champions league same season, 

16 WIFES

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

MOM

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.
[Five minutes later]
"Mom."
"What"?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water"?
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom."
"What"?
"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water"?
"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm."
"WHAT"?!
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water"?

NICE JOKES

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how
much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

OLD GUY

A 70yr old guy returns a book to library, bangs it on table & says – What a shittt ?
“I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all” ?

Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory

BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE

A famous speaker said: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife" Audience was in shock & silence. He added: She was my Mother. . . . . ,Applause! A man tried to crack the joke at home, he said loudly to his wife in kitchen, Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife. Standing for a moment to recall the second half, By the time he regained his sense, he was on a hospital bad, recovering from burns of boiling water.

SLIM POSSIBLE

JUST SMILE

Girl: Am not feeling  well today
Boy: Oh! Dats to bad , thought of taking you for shopping today
Girl: I was joking
Boy: I was joking too.

JEALOUS HUSBAND

Husband comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to his Bedroom. From under the blanket he sees four legs instead of two. He reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as he can. Once he's done, he goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As he enters, he sees his wife there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", she says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said Hello ?

5 Year Old Boy

A 5 Year Old Boy ask his Mother, "o all Angels Fly Mother: Yes Dear, Why Do U Ask? Boy: Well Yesterday while U were at  the Salon, Dad Called Our New House Girl an Angel. Will She Fly too? Mother: Yes Dear, She will Fly 2 their Village Tomorrow Morning and Never Come Back, lol