Nice Joke

A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening. “I’m so Hot that I can’t stand it.” she said.
“I want to go out, get drunk and get laid. Are
you free tonight?” “Yes!!!!” he replied enthusiastically. “Wonderful.” she said. “Would you watch my
kids?”

AKPOS LOST HIS WIFE

Akpos lost his wife due to his drinking habit. One evenin he saw empty bottles on the table, he quickly smashed 3 bottles swearing, "You , my wife left me because of you!"
"You are the reason I don't have kids!"
"You are the reason I don't have a job!"
He was about to smash the fourth bottle when he realized it was full of beer, so he said "Stand aside, I know you were not involved"

I NEED A GOOD ANSWER

If a native doctor told you that you'll become
the world's richest man after running mad
for one full year and you agreed and ran mad for 11 months 30days, Remaining just a
Single DAY for you to become the world's
richest man. A pastor from somewhere
came, prayed for you and casted out the
madness in you.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO

GETTING TO HEAVEN

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" A teacher asked the children in a Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, moved the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

 "Well," the teacher continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

SPEECHLESS

DANGER MEN AT WORK

HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY

ENJOY

a guy got into a barber's shop in Dar es Salaam, taking along with him a little boy by the hand.the man asked the barber to cut his hair. after the cutting he immediately asked barber to start cutting the little boy's while he goes to buy a newspaper around the corner. he did the job and was waiting for the man to return. after 2hrs, the barber said to the boy: i think your father got lost!! it's already 2hrs now since he went out, the little boy replied, 'he isn't my father, i was on the streets when he stopped me and asked: would you like to have a hair cut for free?

SUGAR MUMMY

A guy arrives at the Hotel with a lady about 20years older than him.
The hotel manager said; sorry we don't allow such here. The guy said;
oh she's my Mum, then he was handed the room key.
Not convince the manager later sent a maid to verify. Maid said;yes sir she's the Mum. Manager; how do u know? Maid; I saw her bosom feeding him

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

ENGINEERING STUDENT FIRST YEAR AND FINAL YEAR

JOHN GEOGRAPHY CLASS B

JOHN.... ALWAYS ON POINT

In a Geography class.

Teacher: On the world map, what country is next to USA.

John: USB.

POVERTY SUCKS

FATHER

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

SCARCITY OF BUSES MAKE PEOPLE STUPID

A HOT SECRETARY

A hot secetary came out angrily from her boss office.
Her colleage asked : what happened? U went inside in a happy mood. She replied : he asked me, are u free tonight?
And i said, absolutely free. That bastard gave me 45pages to type.

PROFESSOR

Policeman::professor, did u manage to get the number of the lorry that knocked u down?
Professor:I'm sorry there wasn't time for that but fortunately.I noticed that the cube root of the number was equal to the sum of its digits.

EFFECT OF LEGALIZE WEED ( MARIJUANA)

WHO IS MORE SILLY?

1. One who wave hands to greet
news caster on the tv.
2. A nurse who wakes up a
sleeping patient to give him
sleeping pills because he forgot to
take them.
3. One who goes with a spanner to
the bank to open an account.
4. The one who puts a radio in the
freezer to listen to a cool music.
5. One who lowers the volume of a
radio to read an SMS.
6. One who puts a perfume to take
a photo

NO COMMENT

HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF INJECTION?

Marietha Vs Mom

Marietha: Mom you lied to me
Mom: When?
Marietha: You said my Younger Brother is a Small Angel.
Mom: Ye he is.
Marietha: He didnt Fly when i threw him from the Balcony


the mother fainted

The Reason Why Girls Like Large HandBags

WHERE IS THE BUS GOING TO?

On a bus going, from Indiana to Ohio after my evening lectures the phone of a girl sitting close to me rang, she picks it and said:
"Honey, I'm in a bus going to Chicago for the burial, I will call you when I get there".

Another girl's phone rang, she said:

"Sweetheart, I'm on my way to New York for the masters degree form, please send me credit for the trip".

The other one's phone rang, she said:

"Alhaji sorry, I'm on my way to Bevery Hills for the interview, i will call you later.
 A guy who was sitting at the back of the bus suddenly raises his voice in anger:

"Driver, stop please, park this bus, where exactly is this bus going to??

BARBER SHOP....DAMN POVERTY SUCKS

COMMUNICATION BARRIERS

PASTOR: Do something crazy for
the lord.. John carried the
offering basket and ran away*

FUNNIEST VIDEO EVER

CREATIVITY

TRUE OR FALSE?

WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS

The lawyer hopes you get into trouble...
The Doctor hopes you fall ill...
The Police hope you become a criminal...
The teacher hopes you are born stupid...
The coffin maker wants you dead!
Only the thief and I wishes you prosperity in life!
I wish you all a lovely life.

AKPOR IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Akpor was in mental hospital for 7 years and wanted to get out really bad so he spent 5 months practicing to jump over the gate.The day he came for him to escape and gave goodbye to his friends and vanished (disappear).After 2 minutes he came back and his friends ask if he had forgoten something.
He said " Yes the gate was opened so i couldn't jump i will try tomorrow"

AKPOR AGAIN

Class Teacher : Differentiate between Biology and Sociology.
AKPOR:          if a new born baby looks like his father,it is 'Biology',but if he looks like his neighbour,then 'it is called sociology'

BEST DRIVING SCHOOL

!!!!

GLOBALIZATION

Q: what is globalization?
A: Princess Diana.
Q: why?
A: because an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel while in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian, who was drunk on a Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, riding Japanese motorcycles, treated by American doctor, using Brazilian medicine!

CONVERSATION BETWEEN GANG AND CHURCH MEMBERS

This morning, a gang went into a church and started closing windows and doors.
They told the congregation that they were going to kill everyone but in alphabetical order. They went to the Rev.
What is your name?
Rev: Zoseph Zmith
Lucky you,
Pianist: my name is Zemanuel Zwilliams but one of the ushers over there is Abigail Ann.
You lying bastard,the usher replies. My name is Zzzabigail Zzzann. What name would u ve mentioned if u were to be around??

FUTURE IMPOSSIBLE TENSE

LITTLE JOHN GET PUNCHED

Teacher: Who is the president of
America?
Little Johnny: I don't know madam.
Teacher: You need to focus more
on your studies.
Little Johnny: Please madam, can I
ask few questions?
Teacher: Yes, go ahead.
Little Johnny: Do you know Rita?
Teacher: No.
Little johnny: Do you know Joy?
Teacher: No
Little Johnny: Do you know Kate?
Teacher (Angry): Hell no! Who are
all these people and why do you
ask?
Little Johnny: You need to focus
more on your husband!

IF THE ENGLISH PREMIERSHIP WERE A CLASSROOM

If the ENGLISH PREMIER
LEAGUE
would have been a
classroom, then:-
ARSENAL -Is a boy who
works hard
throughout the year but
fails to succeed
because of his greedy
rich family that is not
ready to spend on
buying books.
MANCHESTER CITY - Is a
boy who purchases all
the expensive books
but is never ready to
read them.
LIVERPOOL -Is a child
who is very much
proud of the academic
achievements of his
grand father.
MANCHESTER UNITED -Is
a boy who just
performs in the final
exams and tops the
class.
Finally,
CHELSEA -Is a boy who
fails to perform and
puts the blame of
failure on his teacher
and then his family
finds a new teacher
for him every year!

VOICEMAIL

Akpos walked into a post office and buys an envelope from the cashier. He opened it and started speaking in a loud voice into the envelope.
Alarmed, the cashier asked, "Why are
you speaking in the envelope?"
Akpos replied......"I am sending a
voicemail"

I CALL IT MAXIMUM CHEATING/ UNFAITHFUL

LECTURER

JOKE OF THE WEEK,NICE WEEK END...

Akpors: Girl I like your teeth!

Gal: Oh thank you *blushing*

Akpors: They remind me of a song!!

Gal: Owh really, Which song?

Akpors: Black & Yellow!!!

AKPORS AND FIANCEE

Girl: If we get married, stop smoking.
Akpors: Ok!
Girl: Drinking too.
Akpors: Ok!
Girl: N going to the night club too.
Akpors:- Yes. Girl:-You stop watchin soccer matches with yo boyz
Akpors: Okay!
Girl:- What else can u leave??
Akpors:- The idea of marrying You

FACEBOOK CONVERSATION BETWEEN A TEENAGER AND A STRANGER

A Teenage Girl was chatting onFB with a stranger
.
.Stranger: hey pretty! Could you give me ur mail id?
.
.Gal: oh yes sure its --> ihaveaboyfriend _andilovehimalot @getlost.com
.
.Stranger: and mine is -->iamyourfather_andyouaredead@meetmenow.com

JOY

Johnny has a wife whose name is Joy. They went 4 church one day and d pastor was preaching about Joy. PASTOR; May Joy be ur portion in d name of Jesus. CONGREGATION; Amen! PASTOR; I pray ur Joy will be permanent in d name of Jesus. CONGREGATION; Ameeeeen!!!
PASTOR; I want a louder amen for this, I pray may Joy sleep with u tonight in d name of Jesus. CONGREGATION; A...(Johnny interrupts)Shut up everybody, my Joy will no go sleep with you ooo.

POLICE NS AKPORS

Police: where do you live?
Akpos: with my parents!
Police: where do your parents live?
Akpos: with me!
Police: where do you all live?
Akpos: together!
Police: where is your house?
Akpos: next to my neighbors house!
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Akpos: if I tell you, you won't believe me!
Police: tell me?
Akpos: next to my house!

TEACHER CALL IT CHEATING,WE CALL IT TEAM WORK

EVEN IF THE CONDITION ARE NOT FAVOURED,BEER WILL REMAIN A DELICACY

!!!!!!!!...............

Junior went to daddy after school and asked "daddy,do u know Washington DC? Daddy replied "thats the capital of United States Of America,that where i attended high school.Junior asked again "do you know New York" Daddy replied " i got my first degree in New York" Junior asked again " so how about London?"
Daddy replied i was in London for my 43rd birthday.Junior said again "daddy,then you must know Geography so well oo..!
Daddy replied "You know,geography was where i married your mother.
Junior: !!!!!!!!

NEW BOOK ON HOW TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN

SAGGING

If U Don't Laugh Go and See Doctor

A pastors was praying for a man possessed with demon,He said in the name of Jesus,what do you want from this man,speak up before i cast you out this moment."The demon answerd: I want him to win the America lotto draw worth $ 400 million tonight.The pastor lowers the microphone and whispered: Get out of him and enter into me.

Evolution Of Dance

wicked man

Teen Fact

Suzie Vs John

Suzie: Nice phone baby,where did you buy it?
John:  I won it in a running race.
Suzie: How many people participated?
John:  It was the MOBILE OWNER,POLICE and ME

Teacher and John

Teacher: 2 books + 2 books?
John     : 4 books
Teacher: good,now i'll ask you a tough one
1,713+3,571 books..?
JOhn : LIBRARY

Father Vs John

Father: why did your grammar teacher slap you?
John:   because i asked her,why is bra singular when it covers 2 items and panties plural when it covers just one

JUST KIDDING

MY CAR

JONATHAN AND PATIENCE

jonathan: I wonder what's going on next door.
Patience: It's a birthday party!
Jonathan: Whose birthday party is it?
Patience: I'm sure it's Tuyu's birthday.
Jonathan: How did you know?
Patience: I heard them singing ''Happy Birthday Tuyu!!! Happy Birthday Tuyu!!!

U SAVED ME

A man calls radio station n
says:'I have found a wallet
on the bus seat that I had
boarded on my way home.It
contained $. 1,000,and a.t.m
card n a gold chain...the owner I.d
card read Frank John.
The radio presenter says:So do
u want to return it to him?
The man says:~HELL No!! R u
mad??I just wanted to dedicate
him a song "U saved me ya R.kelly

DAN AND THE SPELLING BOOK

Dani : I spent eight hours over my new spelling book last night.

Teacher: It's wonderful that you spent so much time studying!

Dani : Who said anything about studying? My spelling book was under my pillow when I went to sleep!

A BABY WEIGHING 50 KG BORN THROUGH NORMAL DELIVERY

EXPENSIVE WEDDING OF THE YEAR:

                                          
How much do you think this wedding cost?

PAIN TRANSFER

A happily married couple(Frank and Happy) having their first baby, were
invited to make use of a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the
Baby's biological father wherever he may be. Both were
happy to try it. The pain transfer was set to 10
percent but the husband felt nothing. So the doctor
increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still
felt fine and his blood pressure was normal. He
invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent. Still
there was no reaction. The doctor was amazed and
slowly transferred all the pain until the Wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She
and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic. When
they got home, the gardener(John)  was lying almost dead at
the gate

VALENTINE GIFT

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

PASTOR

After tuesday church service, these conversation ensued between pastor and church workers
pastor:i can't blieve some pple could be so heartless as to offer fake $2000 to the lord.
Worker:it's the work of the devil pastor but where is the money?
Pastor: we just have to praise the lord because i've been able to spend it.

HAPPY and MARIE

Happy and Marie were fighting outside d examination hall people
gathered and asked what caused d rift
Happy: Marie copied me all through d exam
Marie:its a lie i didnt copy her i submitted a blank answer sheet
Happy: dats what am saying the teacher wil think dat we copied
each other.

I CAN'T LAUGH ALONE PLEASE

A man and a woman walked into a guesthouse n requested to spend d night. The owner of the guest house,Mr Collins, who is a member of Mountain of fire church, refused to allow men n women stay together in his hotel becos of fornication. d woman explained,He is my son. Not my spouse n so dey checked in. After 30mins,Mr collins sent his maid to go n check if those folks re truly mother n son.
The maid came back n said: Sir,she's truly d mother. The Boss Asked. How did u confirm. D maid. Smiled=D , Sir I am sure.
I saw her Breastfeeding the Man

GOOD REVENGE : IT'S JUST A JOKE GUYS

A black man and a white man were sitting in the park, the white man had a pet monkey and the black man is selling bananas, the black man said 'Mr. Can u look after my bananas, i'm goin to the toilet"," Yeah sure, go ahead" said the white man. When the black man came he found his bananas gone and asked "where are my bananas" the white man pointed to the monkey and said "ask ur brother" , the black man chilled and sat down. Few minutes later the white man ask "can u watch my monkey I'm going to the toilet" ,"oh yeah sure!" said the black man. When the white man came back he found his monkey dead and exclaim "what happened here?" the black replied " don't get involved pls , it's a family matter".

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR

Johnson was praying one sunday morning,he said Lord give me a job which would make have a loud voice to be heard,my pockets always full of money and a big vehicle , full of ladies everyday.The Lord granted his prayers,the next day,he became a Bus Conductor

FOOTBALL JOKES

Lionel Messi was passing  through the streets of New York when he got attracted to hooker plying her trade on that same street.He quickly went to meet her and after some discussions,they agreed to go over to his place.
On getting there,the lady went to the bathroom to have a shower,on her way back,she was surprised to meet 3 unclad men on the bed.Before she could say anything,Messi bloated out "am sorry i didnt tell you this earlier but i can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta

LEAVING CHILDREN HOME ALONE

ON MY WAY TO WALMART SHOPPING MALL

THREE GIRL BATHING

Three girls were bathing at the same place,suddenly air blew their towels away,unfortunately a guy was coming, one covered her
bosom, the other covered her private part, while the third covered her face. Among the three girls,
who do you think is the WISEST

CREATIVE

TRY TO CHEAT NOW

AKPOS

After dipping AKPOS three times in water, Father Peter then said to him, “You are now a new creation so your name is no longer AKPOS but Paul. From now onwards, no eating pork.”. On arrival home, AKPOS now Paul dipped his pork in water three times and then said, “From now on your name is beef!!

I DRINK ONE GLASS OF BEER A DAY,2 GLASS OF BEER IS NOT GOOD

SIGN BOARD

In the corridor of a government office
was a sign board reading
“Don’t make any noise.”
Someone added the following words
“Otherwise, we might wake up”

COMMUNICATION BARRIERS

Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
Tonde: No! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Tonde: My mother will not allow me to go so far !!

LET'S CARE OUR ANIMALS

let's care our animals,in our homes,our farms and everywhere as they are a source of fun and food to everyone.

CREATIVITY OR EFFECT OF DRUGS?

BOYFRIEND Vs GIRLFRIEND

Girlfriend: i cheated:
Boyfriend: do u think i love u?
i was also cheating on you for the past 2 years,
u are just for fun.....
Girlfriend: cried & said,i was talking about my exams

NICE DEAR JOHN LETTER REPLY

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break
up and she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected
all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

DAN AND SONS OFF TO WATCH A MOVIE

AKPOR and TEACHER

Teacher: Who want to go heaven?
all the student raise up their hand except Akpor.
Teacher: Akpor,why are u not raising up your hand? don't u want to go heaven?
Akpor: My mother told me to come home straight after school.

LIFE LAUGH WITH AKPOR

Doctor And Apkor.

Doctor: Do u exercise daily for good health?
Apkor:  Sir i play football cricket,tennis daily.
Doctor:  Good,how long do you play?
.
Apkor: Until the battery in my mobile goes down.

LAUGH LIFE WITH APKOR

Pricipal: why were u absent yesterday?
Akpor:  i attended a burial
Principal: Hmmm! Akpor The Professional Lateness Specialist,Nothing Will Stop Me From Punishing U,Now Answer Me.......Who Died?
Akpor: You See,The First Son Of  The Cousins Of My Grand Mother's Youngest Nephew Who Is Also The Youngest Step Brother To The Woman Who Gave Birth To My Uncles Youngest Step-Son and He Was Also....................!
Principal: Alright.....Alright...Oo! Thats Enough..Oo! Just Go To The Class.

PHONE CALL SUMMARY

Phone CALL SUMMARY.
_______________ ____
Guys to Parents... 00 : 59 secs.
Guys to friends... 01 : 10secs.
Guys to guys... 00 : 28secs.
But Guys to ladies... 10
minutes :59 secs!!!

Why?
Because ladies to guys is always...
00 : 05 secs.
Because the only thing they say is
.
.
.
."PLEASE, CALL ME BACK. I NEED TO
TALK TO YOU" OR "PLEASE SEND ME
SOME CREDIT"

CHATTING

WHAT CAN U DO?

I HAVE A PROBLEM OF FORGETTING

Marietha: Dr. i have a problem of forgetting.
Doctor:  when did the problem start?.
Marietha: which problem?

MEN SHOULD LISTEN

A man is driving up a steep,narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG",The man immediately leans out his window and replies,"BITCH!!" They each continue on their way,and as the man rounds the next corner,he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road!.

YOU ARE NOW ON VOICEMAIL SERVICE

Ngriiiii Ngriiiii Ngriiiii


Girl: Hello Dear?
Guy: Am fine,u?
Girl: Just missing u.. I need $150 for my Hair
Guy: You Are now on Voicemail service... Press 2 to
Leave a Message, or Press 1 to End this Call.....

INTERVIEW

a journalist went to certain village and had the following interviewed with the king:
journalist:as the ruler of this community what is your plan for the people
king:::::you are calling me RULER! your father is Pencil,your mother is sharpener and you yourself Eraser-silly boy

TEACHER AND HIS STUDENT

A teache gave his student a class work to draw a cow eating glass,every student submitted their drawing but a
student gave his teacher a
blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Student: It's a drawing of a cow
eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper)
Where's the grass?
Student: The cow ate all of it.
, Teacher: (looked at the paper
again)Then, where's the cow?
Student: It left because there
was no more grass.

NO COMMENT

RIVER BANK

Girlfriend Called her
Boyfriend
GF: Honey where are you ?
BF: I'm at the bank
GF: Dear, please I need 5k
to activate my blackberry, 3k to do
my hair and 10k
to buy a dress.
BF: Sorry, I meant I was at
the "bank" of a river..
Do you want fish ?