LITTLE JOHNNY

teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"

MEN: WATCH YOUR ANSWERS.

Wife buys a Dozen underwear of same color 4 hubby her husband. HUBBY:Why Same Color? People will think I never change underwear.. WIFE:Which people who see your underwear than me?
TOTAL SILENCE
WIFE:Answer me!!
HUBBY: (silently)Damn! what have i said!

SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

TEACHER and STUDENT

TEACHER: Can you tell the name of 2 great kings who have brought troubles into people lives?


STUDENT: "Smo-king and Drin-king

A CHAGA: I am so miser that i went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.


A PARE: That's nothing,i saved full money,i sent my wife for honeymoon with my Haya friend

KIDS,THEY NEVER LEARN

Mum sends her son to buy her some matches,the boy comes home from shop.
BOY:Mum here are the matches you sent me.
MOM:Are they working?
BOY:Yes i tested all of them,they work.
MOM:What!??#

I AM WORRIED ABOUT MY CHILD

A mother went to see a psychologist being worried about the characters of his child.
MOTHER: I'm worried doctor, the boy is a great lier, a cheater, unfaithful, corrupt...He don't fulfill his promises, he always say one thing and deny it later. What's wrong with him?
DOCTOR: Shhhhhhhhh!! Don't tell it to anybody, they may spoil. You'have a treasure. He's going to be a great politician

SMART GIRL

Mrs. Frank: sent her daughter Silvia to buy some groceries at the market. On the way, she met some boys who asked her to climb up a tree and get them some fruit, which she did. She bought the groceries and got back home to her mother.

Mrs. Frank: "Why did you take so long?"Silvia: "I met some boys who asked me to climb up a tree and fetch them some fruit."


Mrs. Frank: "Silvia, you should know that when boys ask you to climb up a tree, all they want is to see your underwear. You shouldn’t have done it."

Silvia: "Mother, I know. That's why I took them off before climbing up the tree."

LITTLE GIRL PRAYER

"Dear God, this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone and computer, and build shelter to the homeless men who sleep with mum when dad is at work...please assist my parents to stop fighting at night so that they can sleep well in your name....Amen."

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong address, and without realizing he sent the mail. Meanwhile Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife, Subject: I've reached. I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have Computers here, and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival 2mrrow.

RECYCLING STUPIDITY

A boss saying 2 his secretary that we are going abroad for a tour for a week.
Secretary calls her husband: I'm going abroad for one week.
Husband calls her girlfriend: Wife is going away for a week, lets enjoy.
Girlfriend calls her student: for a week no class for u.
Little boy calls his grandpa: I'm free for this week.
Grandpa(Boss) calls his secretary: Tour cancelled.i'm with my grandson this week.
Secretary calls her husband: Tour cancelled.....
Husband calls girlfriend: Wife is not going.so we too can't
go.
Girlfriend calls boy: This week you have class as usual...
Boy calls grandpa: Sorry grandpa gotta attend my classes.
Grandpa calls secretary: we are going abroad...!!

and it goes on.......

Son: "Dad,what do i give my new girlfriend as a valentine gift?"
Dad: "How does she look?"
Son: "She looks sweet,pretty,fun to be with her and of course very sexy"
Dad: "Give her my number

EXPIRY DATE

A couple had  been having a rough relationship lately
So their conversation went thus:

WIFE: Honey what are you looking at?

HUSBAND: Nothing!
WIFE: Nothing! and you have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?

HUSBAND:I was looking for the expiry date of this damn marriage contract!

U WILL GO TO JAIL......!

Teacher: “I killed a person”

convert this sentence into future tense.

Student: The future tense is “u will go to jail”.

A PROUD FATHER!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'".

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four".

QUICK THINKERS!!!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
 
HAROLD: A teacher 


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

WHAT A CONFESSION???!!!!!

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

JEALOUS BOY

A 5yr old boy was jealous of his new baby
brother
because his mother was not paying attention to him at all.
Tired of this constant ignoring he decided to
solve the problem once and for all...He decided to
put poison on his mother's nipples while she was
sleeping to kill the baby.
The next morning guess what.......................

The father(their dad) has past away!!!!!

ANGRY WIFE TO HER HUSBAND

An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?" 
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O


Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!


Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

BLOOD DONATION TO HIS GIRLFRIEND

A boy donated blood to his girl friend,
when they broke up the boy wanted his blood back,
the girl threw a bloody pad at him and say i will pay u
in monthly installment!!!

MONEY BETTER THAN LOVE

I told her : "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend Frank, but I love you and adore you."
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "If you love me, introduce me to Frank..."
Simply hilarious

THREE MEN

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....the taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds......so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them : 'we have arrived'......

The first man gave him money.....
the second one thanked him.....but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have had realized that the car didnt move an inch.....so, he asked the third man : 'what was that for?'
the third man replied : 'control your speed from next time onwards......you almost killed us.....

BRAVE LAWYER

A Married Lawyer was having fun in his car, with his
secretary.
On getting home his wife observed panties on the
back seat,She tore it apart screaming "honey
what is this ??"
He calmly replied : "you have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case,worth a million for me
which I'm handling.
You can forget the jewellery you were asking for”.
She quickly fell on her knees apologising