DOCTOR

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman
to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

NEGOTIATIONS

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

EMERGENCY CALL

Johnny:hello is this 911?

Police:yes whats your emergency

johnny:2 girls are fighting over me

police:and whats wrong with that?

Johnny:the ugly one is winning......hurry

JEALOUS WOMAN

A pastor married a jealous woman. One day the woman was in the kitchen cooking when she overheard him praying in the living room, “Thank you Lord for bringing mercy, joy and grace into my life.” She ran quickly with a frying pan, whacked him on the head and said, “I knew you were a player and a fake pastor! You’ve just prayed for all your girlfriends, you think I didn’t hear you! Who the hell are Mercy, Joy and Grace???”

HUSBAND AND WIFE

Husband: I have a problem at the office. 

Wife: After marriage, you

don't say I have a problem, say we have a problem. 
Husband: Ok, We are
expecting a baby from OUR Secretary

TRY AGAIN LATER !!!!!..

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile
phone but discovered that she was out of credit.
She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass
across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to
inform her that there was a lady that picked up
daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on
the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from
work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed
out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him
again, for good measure.

People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find
out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman
asked Junior to tell everybody what the lady said to
him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialled is not
available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

LIE DETECTOR

Man buys a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.He decided to test it at dinner:Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?Son: At school (robot slaps son)Son: Okay I went to the movies!Dad: Which one?Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)Son: Okay I was watching porn.Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)Mom: hahahahaha ! after all he is your Son!(robot slaps Mom).

PRICE OF THE DRESS

Lady: what is the price of this dress?
Salesman: 5 kisses
Lady: what is the price of that dress?
Salesman: 10 kisses
Lady: OK pack both of them & bill will be paid by my Grandmother

CAUGHT RED-HANDED!!!

A boy caught his daddy red-handed with their house-girl making love and his daddy gave him 500/= Tshs. not to tell his mummy. Almost refusing the money, the boy said: ''daddy, that's not fair, mummy gave 1000/= Tshs. when I caught her with our gate-man''.

MARRYING SIBLINGS.....

A lil boy asks a lil girl if she would marry him when they grow up.
The lil girl answers:
I am sorry, I can't... In my family we only marry our siblings.
My grandpa married my grandma,
My dad married my mum
My sister married my brother-in-law...

GIRL TO HER BOYFRIEND

Girl to her boyfriend: stop looking at girls..your committed now...
Boy: Oh honey, it's not fair..u mean if am on diet, i should not even look at the menu..!

BEWARE OF UNKNOWN NUMBER

Unknown No.1

Hi,Do u have a boyfriend?
Girl:Yes.Who are you?

It's your dad, be home this weekend, and we will talk!


Unknown No.2

Hi do you have a boyfriend?
Girl:Not a chance,who are you anyway?

It's your boyfriend,sucks to know that you are not proud to be with me and be your boyfriend
Girl:Sorry babe,I thought u r my dad, he texted me a while back asking the same question

Yes,it's me, your dad.We'll have a long talk this weekend!

NEVER FORGET YOUR PAST

Bill Gates in a restaurant....

After eating he gave the weiter a tip of 5$
the weiter was annoyed n Gates realized that..
Gates; What's wrong..?
Weiter; on the same table sat ur son yesterday and he gave out a tip of 500$ but you the richest man in the world only 5$??

Gates replied with all the wisdom...
Gates; He is the son of the worlds richest man but I am the son of the wood cutter....

AMAZING

What is ABCDEFG?

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

SMART PRISONER

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower

7 QUALITIES TO BE A PERFECT WOMAN

7 qualities to be a perfect woman:

B - Beautiful,
R - Responsible,
E - Energetic,
A - Adorable,
S - Sweet,
T - Truthful
S - Self-Organised

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

LOVING HUSBAND

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your father."

THE GUILTY ARE ALWAYS AFRAID

Pastor: "If there is anybody here that does not want this couple to be
joined together in holy matrimony, he or she should speak out now."

A man from the extreme of the church stood up and walked towards the alter. As the bride saw the man coming closer, she fainted. The bridegroom and the whole congregation were in confusion.
When the man got to the front, the pastor asked, "Why don't you want these people to be joined together?"

Man: "I could not hear your voice clearly from the back sir, so Idecided to come and tell you that the speaker is faulty ,!!!!

A LADY LOST THREE PANTIES

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. The Maid defended herself by saying "Sir, you are my witness you know I never wear panties."

A MARRIAGE PROMISE

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 15 children and were blessed with 24 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."