Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass on, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I LIKE THE WAY U THINK
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing
math problems when his teacher picked
him to answer a question, "Johnny, if
there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left?" "None," replied
Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the
teacher, "but I like the way you're
thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for
you. If there were three women eating
ice cream cones in a shop, one was
licking her cone, the second was biting
her cone and the third was sucking her
cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I
guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with
the wedding ring on her finger, but I
like the way you're thinking."
math problems when his teacher picked
him to answer a question, "Johnny, if
there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left?" "None," replied
Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the
teacher, "but I like the way you're
thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for
you. If there were three women eating
ice cream cones in a shop, one was
licking her cone, the second was biting
her cone and the third was sucking her
cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I
guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with
the wedding ring on her finger, but I
like the way you're thinking."
Friday, October 14, 2011
SHOULD WE WORRY?
In a second grade class, a little girl asks, Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?
How old is your mother, dear? Asks the teacher.
Forty. She replies.
Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant?
Well, dear, how old is your sister?
The little girl answers, Nineteen.
Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks: Can I get pregnant?
How old are you, dear?
The little girl answers, I'm seven years old.
No, dear, you can't get pregnant...
Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, see, I told you we had nothing to worry about.
How old is your mother, dear? Asks the teacher.
Forty. She replies.
Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant?
Well, dear, how old is your sister?
The little girl answers, Nineteen.
Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks: Can I get pregnant?
How old are you, dear?
The little girl answers, I'm seven years old.
No, dear, you can't get pregnant...
Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, see, I told you we had nothing to worry about.
FIRST DIVORCE RESULTING FROM SEPT 11 ATTACK
This was taken from an actual article in a New York paper about the first divorce directly resulting from the Sept 11th attack on the World Trade Centre.
The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York.
It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his cell phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either.
When he turned his cell phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife who said, "Are you OK? Where are you?".
He said, "What do mean? I'm in my office of course!"
The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York.
It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his cell phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either.
When he turned his cell phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife who said, "Are you OK? Where are you?".
He said, "What do mean? I'm in my office of course!"
Monday, October 10, 2011
SORRY,WRONG NUMBER!!!!!!!!
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
I don't have one
Is this 486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!=)) lool..
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
I don't have one
Is this 486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!=)) lool..
Thursday, October 6, 2011
4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS
ONE NIGHT 4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL
LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE EXAM WHICH WAS
SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.
IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE
THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH
GREASE AND DIRT.
THEN THEY WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD
GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN
THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE
CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.
THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN
HAVE THE RE - TEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL
BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE
DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL
FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR
THE TEST.
THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST
THREE DAYS.
THE TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF
100 MARKS.
Q .1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAME ----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the
wedding you
attended 4 days ago-----(30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre.------(20 Marks)
Q. 4 . WHICH TYRE BURST ------- ( 28 marks )
Q.5. Who was driving----------(20 marks)
What do think the answers will be???
I need your comments.....
LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE EXAM WHICH WAS
SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.
IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE
THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH
GREASE AND DIRT.
THEN THEY WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD
GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN
THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE
CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.
THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN
HAVE THE RE - TEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL
BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE
DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL
FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR
THE TEST.
THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST
THREE DAYS.
THE TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF
100 MARKS.
Q .1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAME ----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the
wedding you
attended 4 days ago-----(30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre.------(20 Marks)
Q. 4 . WHICH TYRE BURST ------- ( 28 marks )
Q.5. Who was driving----------(20 marks)
What do think the answers will be???
I need your comments.....
FOR THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED
CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what
you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.
#CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I
married the wrong man."
#CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is
finished.
#CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's status.
#CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying for it."
#CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
#CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and then it was too late."
#CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes
#CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
#CASE 10
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.
#CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
#CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he
received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have
mine."
#CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
#CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire. "
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman
replied, "A Billionaire. "
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what
you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.
#CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I
married the wrong man."
#CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is
finished.
#CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's status.
#CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying for it."
#CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
#CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and then it was too late."
#CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes
#CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
#CASE 10
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.
#CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
#CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he
received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have
mine."
#CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
#CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire. "
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman
replied, "A Billionaire. "
PHONE CALL
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27.
the receptionist goes, checks the room, come back to the phone and tells him that there is no one in that room. The room is empty.
Good, says the man. that means i have really escaped...!
the receptionist goes, checks the room, come back to the phone and tells him that there is no one in that room. The room is empty.
Good, says the man. that means i have really escaped...!
THE BEST EVER!!!!!!!
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight...
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes in to 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight...
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes in to 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
Mother was scolding the daughter, "i don't like the guy you are going out with. he is too dumb".
"No, momma," she said, "he is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that i used to have every month"
"No, momma," she said, "he is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that i used to have every month"
DO YOU HAVE THIS?
A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl and asked "Do U have this?"
The girl lifted up her skirt and said," My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"
The girl lifted up her skirt and said," My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"
CLEVER NEWS REPORTER
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly...
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly...
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
WHO SAID CAR NAMES DON'T HAVE A MEANING?
BMW __________Brings Me Women
FIAT__________Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD__________For Only Rough Drivers
HYUNDAI ______Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And
Inexpensive.
VOLVO__________Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE________Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
KIA__________Kills In Accidents
OPEL__________Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA_______The One You Only Trust, Always
GOLF/GTI______Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA________Hanged Over, Now Driving Away
FIAT__________Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD__________For Only Rough Drivers
HYUNDAI ______Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And
Inexpensive.
VOLVO__________Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE________Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
KIA__________Kills In Accidents
OPEL__________Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA_______The One You Only Trust, Always
GOLF/GTI______Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA________Hanged Over, Now Driving Away
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A HUSBAND AND A WIFE
A husband working abroad wrote to his wife ...
Dear Sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month. The global market crises has affected me, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.
Your loving husband.
His wife replied ...
Sweetheart, Dearest, Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses I paid with the kisses ...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect us only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the house rent
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items - hope you
understand.
5. Other expenses - 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan the same for next month? Please Advice.
Dear Sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month. The global market crises has affected me, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.
Your loving husband.
His wife replied ...
Sweetheart, Dearest, Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses I paid with the kisses ...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect us only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the house rent
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items - hope you
understand.
5. Other expenses - 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan the same for next month? Please Advice.
YOU WILL NEVER WIN WITH POLICE IF THEY WANT BRIBERY
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint.
The obviously soaked police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.
The policeman had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him.
Guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the night, if you happen to get an accident now, who is going to tell your people?"
The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel,
Angel Raphael, Angel Michael and five angels are with me here.
The policeman said: "All these people inside this small car of yours?
I charge you for overloading!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The obviously soaked police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.
The policeman had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him.
Guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the night, if you happen to get an accident now, who is going to tell your people?"
The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel,
Angel Raphael, Angel Michael and five angels are with me here.
The policeman said: "All these people inside this small car of yours?
I charge you for overloading!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE PERFECT SON
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday
WHO WAS SLEEPING WITH MOMY WHEN U WERE AWAY!
Kid: daddy I need more money!
Daddy: I have no more left!
Kid: Then I won't tell you who was sleeping with momy when you were gone.
Daddy: Take 100 Dollar
Daddy: Ok, son, tell me who was that one!
Kid: It is me dady!when are you travelling again? I enjoy sleeping in your nice bedroom with mom!
Daddy: I have no more left!
Kid: Then I won't tell you who was sleeping with momy when you were gone.
Daddy: Take 100 Dollar
Daddy: Ok, son, tell me who was that one!
Kid: It is me dady!when are you travelling again? I enjoy sleeping in your nice bedroom with mom!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
IS THIS TRUE?
WHY AFRICA IS 25 YEARS BEHIND THE DEVELOPED WORLD.....
AFRICAN LEADERS
Abdulai Wade age 83
Hosni Mubarak ( Egypt ) age 82
Robert Mugabe ( Zimbabwe ) age 86
Hifikepunye Pohamba ( Namibia ) age 74
Rupiah Banda ( Zambia ) age 73
Mwai Kibaki ( Kenya ) age 71
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf ( Liberia ) age 75
Colonel Gaddafi (Libya) age 68
Jacob Zuma (South Africa) age 68
Bingu Wa Mtalika (Malawi) age 76
____________ __________________
Average Age: 75.6 ~ Approximately 76 years
____________ __________________
THE FIRST WORLD LEADERS
Barrack Obama (USA) age 48
David Cameron (UK) age 43
Dimitri Medvedev (Russia) age 45
Stephen Harper (Canada) age 51
Julia Gillard (Australia) age 49
Nicolas Sarkozy (France) age 55
Luis Zapatero (Spain) age 49
Jose Socrates (Portugal) age 53
Angela Merkel ( Germany ) age 56
Herman Van Rompuy ( Belgium ) age 62
____________ __________________
Average Age: 51.1 ~ Approximately 51 years
____________ __________________
___________ __________________
DIFFERENCE: 25 years
____________ __________________
GUYS, HOW DO WE MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS OLD SQUAD...?
AFRICAN LEADERS
Abdulai Wade age 83
Hosni Mubarak ( Egypt ) age 82
Robert Mugabe ( Zimbabwe ) age 86
Hifikepunye Pohamba ( Namibia ) age 74
Rupiah Banda ( Zambia ) age 73
Mwai Kibaki ( Kenya ) age 71
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf ( Liberia ) age 75
Colonel Gaddafi (Libya) age 68
Jacob Zuma (South Africa) age 68
Bingu Wa Mtalika (Malawi) age 76
____________ __________________
Average Age: 75.6 ~ Approximately 76 years
____________ __________________
THE FIRST WORLD LEADERS
Barrack Obama (USA) age 48
David Cameron (UK) age 43
Dimitri Medvedev (Russia) age 45
Stephen Harper (Canada) age 51
Julia Gillard (Australia) age 49
Nicolas Sarkozy (France) age 55
Luis Zapatero (Spain) age 49
Jose Socrates (Portugal) age 53
Angela Merkel ( Germany ) age 56
Herman Van Rompuy ( Belgium ) age 62
____________ __________________
Average Age: 51.1 ~ Approximately 51 years
____________ __________________
___________ __________________
DIFFERENCE: 25 years
____________ __________________
GUYS, HOW DO WE MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS OLD SQUAD...?
MY FIRST TIME DOING IT
MY FIRST TIME
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came..
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
Saturday, October 1, 2011
ME OR ATM MACHINE?
A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The
Problem was who
Should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honour. I brought the child into
this world with pain and labour. She should be in mycustody."
The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in
your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honour, if I put my ATM card into a cash dispensing machine and
the cash comes out...whose cash is it?...The machine's or mine?"
Problem was who
Should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honour. I brought the child into
this world with pain and labour. She should be in mycustody."
The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in
your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honour, if I put my ATM card into a cash dispensing machine and
the cash comes out...whose cash is it?...The machine's or mine?"
EMAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD
Dear Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too
.
Love, your Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too
.
Love, your Dad
WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
OBAMA: Because, YES IT CAN!
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: ... I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives being called into
question.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
OPRAH/ TYRA: Why does a chicken cross a road? Was it molested while still a
chick? I mean, what kind of upbringing did it have? We need to invite the
chicken to a share with us what happened
OSAMA BIN LADEN: This was an unprovoked act by the infidels and zionist
forces, we will avenge with suicide bombers!!
GEORGE W. BUSH (2): The chicken is either with us or it is against us.
There is no middle ground here.
ANY KENYAN POLITICIAN: "From which tribe is the chicken? Our community has
been marginalized for far too long – others have had their chance and it is
now the turn of our chicken to eat!"
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road
perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight
line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced
reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken's motion
NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing
the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.
ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white
farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road
to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war
veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the
roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution
from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop
until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross
them.
RAILA ODINGA: Both me and President Kibaki had been telephoned about the
chicken. Si sisi iko na demokrasia na tunataka wacha kuku apite, sio? Si
kuku tosha?! It is even in the agreement between me and Kibaki. Lazima
ipite, nimesema hivyo hii asubuhi. I have exclusive powers on this!
EMILIO MWAI KIBAKI: Kuku ilivuka pale pale, ikienda huko huko........ na
hilo ndio jambo la maana ....hakuna mambo ingine!...hakunaaaa .....na
tutakataa namna gani ati kuku isivuke barabara ...hatuweziii ..na hao
wanaendelea kuongea mambo ya kukuuu....ni wapumbavuuu. .. .....mavi ya hiyo
kuku!!! That is unconstitutional. Na irundi kule itokako.
HOW FAR CAN YOU TRUST A FRIEND?
Mutua left to go help in the Crusades and decided that his wife mueni should wear a chastity belt. (Steel underwear) So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend, mogaka. He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So,mutua leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees mogaka.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
Mogaka replies, "You gave me the wrong key!"
So,mutua leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees mogaka.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
Mogaka replies, "You gave me the wrong key!"
MARRIAGE JOKES
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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