THE NURSERY KID AND DRIVER

A Nusery 1 kid was in a danfo bus returning from school & was reciting a poem he was taught in school. '' if my Dad is a rooster & my mum is a Hen,i will be chicken, if my Dad is
a king & my Mum is a Queen, i will be a prince. The driver became unconfortable with the noise & told the boy to stop, but the boy didn't. The driver shouted at the boy '' What if ur mother is prostitute & ur father is a thief" the boy replied then I WILL BE A DANFO DRIVER.

BAD FRIEND

A Man was on high speed, he got to an Army checkpoint without slowing down, so they told him to park his car and ordered him to carry 1000 blocks from one Side of the road to the other side.
After carrying 900 blocks, he noticed that their 'Boss' was his Primary School classmate, so he went to complain to him, The Boss was really angry with what his Boys told his Long time classmate was asked to do, So he asked him ''have you started carrying the blocks?, the man said ''I have carried 900 already, so the Boss said" Please don't be angry, ''RETURN THEM''.

DOT COM GENERATION

CHILDREN AND TEACHER

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher; she's dead.'

NO COMMENT

AN ILLITERATE WOMAN

An illiterate woman boarded a plane from Paris to Washington DC in United States
She was booked for an economy class seat, Just after the
plane took-off, the woman stood up and went to sit in the
first class cabin.
The flight attendant went to ask her to go back and sit in
economy class because that's where the ticket allowed
her to sit but she refused.
She had paid and wanted the best seat. Then the attendant
informed the Jnr. pilot. The Jnr. pilot went and spoke with
the lady and she still refused. Then the Jnr. pilot went to
inform the chief pilot. The chief pilot said I am married to
an illiterate; I'll go and talk to her. The chief went
and whispered some words to the woman and she peacefully
stood-up and went to her economy class seat. The attendant
and Jnr. pilot surprisingly asked, sir what did you tell
her? The chief pilot said: Easy guys, I just told her that
first class is not going to Washington DC, only economy class
is.

A GUY AND A CATHOLIC SISTER

A guy gave a catholic sister a ride, as they were going he placed his hand on her laps pretending it was the gear stick, the sister said mathew 7:7, He removed his hand,

He touched her lap the 2nd time the sister said mathew 7:7. When the sister got 2 her destination she opened the door and said u dnt read ur bible daily, He got home &

checked mathew 7:7 which read "ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO U "

THE UNEXPECTED VISITOR

To surprise her husband a company executives wife decided 2 stop by her husbands office,on entering the office she saw the female secretary sitting on her husbands laps,in order 2 defend himself the husband said
BUDGET CUT OR NO BUDGET CUT MANAGEMENT MUST DO SOMETHING.I AND MY SECRETARY CANNOT BE SHARING THIS OFFICE WITH JUST A SINGLE SEAT.LOL

JOKES-UPDATED BY FRANK

Francis sent SMS to his BOSS:
"Me sick, no work"

Boss SMS back:
"When I am sick I kiss my wife try it"

2 hours later Francis sms to boss:
"Me ok, Your wife very sweet"

CHATTING

JOKES-UPDATED BY FRANK

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can be greater than this one?

JOKES-UPDATED BY FRANK

A young girl after her honeymoon
came fully exhausted and tired,

When her friends asked her what happened?

She replied :
When this 70 year old bastard told me
he has saved a lot from last 50 years,

"I thought It was MONEY"

THE BEST SWIMMING POOL

I SAVED A LIFE TODAY

I'm  sooo happy !!!I saved a life today , I asked a begger '' how would u feel if I gave u $ 1000'' and he exclaimed '' I will die of happiness'' so I didn't give him anyting.

WEDDING

Be careful who prints your wedding programme! A printer was asked to put 1st John 4:18 on a wedding programme but he made a mistake. Instead he printed John 4:18.

1st John 4:18 says: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love”

John 4:18 reads : “For you have had five husbands; and he whom you now have is not your husband”,

FACEBOOK FOR ALL AGES

WONDER BABY

A classic case of "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER": A baby was born laughing really hard with its fist tightly closed, chuckling and dandling happily. Everyone in the room was perplexed, wondering what's up with the baby. One of the confused nurses unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill!!!

THE UNGRATEFUL WIFE

A man called his friend to complain. He said ''Can u imagine, i was at home all day, watching a football match, listening to the news on the radio, reading a newspaper, pinging on my bb,eating a sandwich, drinking beer, scratching the dog with my foot and my wife had the nerve to tell me i was sitting doing nothing''

SUGAR FREE

Abubakar Sanni, who luckily won a visa to abroad visited a supermarket in the UK to buy a ribena and sugar, he paid for the ribena and didnt pay for the sugar.., he was arrested and charged to court.
"Mr. Abubakra Sawnee, why did u steal the sugar?" asked the judge...
"Walahi, talahi sumo su bi nla hi, i buy ribeko(ribenna) and for the back i see "sugar free"

he was sentenced to death by hanging

ST.PETER

A stressed man was in his office thinking deeply, suddenly a man runs in shouting ''Peter, Peter, your daughter Tania just had a fatal accident''. Shocked, confused and distraught, he jump out of the window! As soon as he jump, he remembers that his office is on the 9th floor, as he is descending lower,he remembers that he doesn't have a daughter called tonia,  Still descending lower he remembers he's not even married, 2 floor before he hit the ground, he finally remembers that his name is not even peter!

JOKE! RICH BOY

Boy: Hi Girl: What?
Boy: How are you doing?
Girl: Do i know you?
Boy: Hmmm, no, but am rich,
Girl: Really?, Hi, I'm Nana but you can call me baby. I'm 21 and live in PH but school in Delsu. I like short dark guys especially one like you and am glad 2 meet you. Boy: No no. RICH is my name.
Girl: (Hiss) i beg i beg, I dont talk to strangers,

LETTER TO LADIES

Dubai trip = 1 plot of land
1 Brazilian hair = 68 bags of cement
1 Handbag = 10 Tankers of water
1 Quality shoe = 1 Trailer of sand
1 BB Torch = 1500 Blocks
Just these are enough to build a 2-bedroom flat, Ladies PLEASE let
your husband and boyfriend be a LANDLORD.

FUNNY OLD WOMAN

An old woman has a daughter who lived abroad but she cannot afford 3  meals a day. One day da landlord visited da woman and asked her why are u struggling 2 eat wen u have a child abroad, da old woman replies don't mind dat girl. Upon all da money we spent on her she's only sending me photographs of white men, pls can I c da photo, da woman brought it out it was dollars. If u were da landlord wat would u do talk true oh?

THE ANNOUNCEMENT

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way.
The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

THIS IS AMAZING

THERE WAS A GUY IN ONE CHURCH ON SUNDAY, AFTER OFFERING, THE PASTOR SAID CLOSE YOUR EYES LETS PRAY,
WHILE EYES WERE CLOSED AND PRAYER WAS ON, THE GUY WAS LOOKING AT THE PASTOR, AND THE PASTOR WAS BUSY PUSHING THE MONEY TO HIS POCKECT AND PRAYING AT THE SAME TIME, WHEN HIS EYES MET THE  GUY, HE INCLUDED IN HIS PRAYER, BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO SEE BUT DO NOT TALK. AND THE GUY RESPONDED FOR THEY SHALL HAVE THEIR OWN SHARE

THE CONFESSION

A plane was about to crash. A man looked straight into his wife eye and said. MAN: honey i ve to confess to u dat i nailed ANITA our house help yesternight WIFE: honey, Mine is never an exception, the gate man JOHN have screwed me many times. Especially when u embarked on a long  journey. honey please forgive me i want to go heaven. Few minutes later the pilot announced that "we ve detected the technicality fault, the plane is no more crashing, enjoy ur flight ladies n gentle men" the man rose up and shouted THIS PLANE MUST CRASH!

MY SON IS MORE SILLY/STUPID THAN YOURS

Mr John and his friend Mr Francis were arguing about their sons stupidity.Mr John argued that his son was more silly than Francis son.Francis however disagreed, so they decided to put their sons to test.John called his son and asked him to buy something for him at the market.The boy ran out without even asking for what to buy and money.John said,"you see how silly he is? he didn't even ask for what to buy or money" Francis retorted,is this what you call foolishness?just wait and see,Francis calls his son and said "go home and check if i am in the house"Francis son took to his heel , came back and say my father is not there,mother said he went to see his friend Mr John


cheers

DEFINITION OF LOVE

In a chemistry class, A Teacher asked a student to define love. A naughty student said" Love is the process whereby a boy sells his heart $50 to a girl or The girl sells her heart $50 to the boy" The teacher was annoyed and said " you must be crazy". The boy said" craziness is the process where the teacher will ask the student to define love in a chemistry class"

BALANCE DIET (1)

BALANCE DIET (2)

I'M THE BOSS

The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

LITTLE FRANK

A primary school teacher asked little Frank: did your father help you with your homework,
Frank: No aunty,he did it all by himself.

MASTER KEY

A girl asked her boyfriend, honey,why is it that when a girl have intimacy with more than one guy, she's a slut;people hate her, but when a guy does the same, he is a legend? the guy answered... "if a door is opened with more than one key, it becomes a useless door no one will want to keep anything important in a room with such door, but if a key opens more than one door, then its a MASTER-KEY

FATHER AND SON

A man followed his son to his school's end of the year party.
He saw other pupils being awarded gifts for their performance. His son did not collect any.
MAN: God! Why do you give me this kind of son? Are these not children too? At least, they belong to a parent too. Who will not be happy to see his child perform well like this?
The son heard this and was sad. When they end the program they walked out and wait for an Taxi or Bus, while others are going directly to their different cars. SON: God! Why have you given me this kind of father? Are these not someone's father, too. Who will his father have an Air Conditioned Jeep and will not be happy? See, see them as they are enjoying!
The man heard this and gave the son a dirty slap
MAN: silly boy, , dont you know that if you study hard now, you will buy a Jeep too?
SON: Dad, that means you did not study hard when you are young. Thats why you dont have car?

RESPONSIBLE

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

FAITHFULNESS

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”

The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

CHILDREN AGAIN

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

TV BOYFRIEND

My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.

The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

WEIRD BATHROOM PICTURE

CHINESE

Chinese to USA: five Chinese, Chu, Bu, Hu, Futheir names to American standards and Su decided to immigrate to the USA. In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
(Chu became Chuck) (Bu became Buck) ( Hu became Huck)
**
**
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

1. Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
 10. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
11. Women would rule the world.

U CAN'T STEAL MY BICYCLE

The Owner Must Really Love This Bicycle.

BLAME THE NETWORK

A Creditor called the person owing him some money and then he said:

Creditor: Hello, When am I getting my balance cus i can't take this any longer from you.
Debitor: "Hello,hello,hello, I can't hear you well !,
Hello,hello,hello , hello,  The network is cracking call me later!,

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR FATHER

A boy saw a girl and walked up to her to talk to her, instead of going straight to the point he began, I hope you know my father, Chief Johnson,the owner of (He called his father's company), the senatorial aspirant for his district. I am his first son and I would like you to be my girl.

To his amazement, the girl replied "I think I am in love with your father.

WORK JOKES

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, " $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

PERFECT EXAMPLES

At a Bible study meeting, the organizer told the group that they are going to discuss Bible verses about lying spirits and how it's affecting the new generation.

She then proceeded to ask them if they had already read the seventeenth chapter of Mark and said, "Please raise your hand." a few raise their hands.

"Fine." She said smiling, "You are perfect examples of our topic for today. There's no seventeenth chapter in the Book of Mark.

FRANK and MARY

Frank and Mary are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
 
Frank says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
 
Mary replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

MARRIAGE JOKES

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.

LITTLE ROMMY

Aunty: How many of u prayed this morning?

Romade: aunty I prayed

Aunty: alright romade, what did u pray for?

romade: i prayed that my uncle's car would break down when we go out together

Aunty: c'mon rommy! why?

Romade: but aunty, that is da only way he will stop and buy something for me.

THE MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dearest Samantha,


I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 20th of June 2009.


With reference to the meeting held between us on the 20th of June 2009 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

SHORTEST MONTH

Teacher: Mavis, can you tell me which month is the shortest?
Mavis: Its May, miss.
Teacher: No, it isnt. The shortest month is February.
Mavis: But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!

EXPERIMENT

A ninth-grade teacher wanted to demonstrate the evils of liquor to his young students. He produced a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms. "Now class, observe closely," he said as he dropped one of the worms into the glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water, perfectly happy. The teacher dropped the second worm into the glass of vodka. The worm swam around for a moment, then seized up and curled, quickly sinking to the bottom of the glass, dead as a doornail. "Now, what can be learned from this experiment?" the teacher asked his students. After a pause, a young man stood up and said, "Well, if you drink vodka, you'll never get worms."

SMART MADNES

A doctor was examing two of his psychatric patients to see who amongst them is getting better.he put them in a dark room and switchd on a torch light and said to them "Any one of you who can sit on the ray of this light will go home today"the first guy aproached the ray and started jumping hard 2 sit on it while the other sat in a corner laughing.the doctor looked at him and said its your turn he looked at the doctor and said "U THINK DAT AM MAD ?U WANT ME TO CLIMB THE RAY SO DAT WEN AM ON IT U WILL OFF THE LIGHT AND I WILL FALL! UR MAD"

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the
fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially  countries
with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet
and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

DRINKING HABIT

A man loses everything because of his drinking habit, this evening he saw empty bottles on the bar table,
He smashes 1 bottle swearing"my wife left me because of you",
Smashes 2nd bottle "you are the reason i don't have kids",
3rd bottle " your the reason i don't have a job",
But the 4th bottle was sealed and full of beer, So he said 'stand aside, i know your not involved.

ARE U MARRIED? (PART 1)

Wife: I wish I was a
newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all
day.
Husband: I too wish that you
were a newspaper, So I could
have a new one every day.

ARE U MARRIED? ( PART 2)

Husband: Today is Sunday &
I
have to enjoy it. So I bought
3
movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your
parents

A THIEF AND A FOOL

A man was walking down a lonely dark ally one night when he was stopped by a mugger with a gun.

THIEF: Your life or your money mister! [pointing a gun at his victim}

VICTIM: Take my life because i am saving my money for my old age.

SON VS MUM

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

LOVE IS BLIND

Two lovers decided to commit suicide. they go to the mountain top and the lady suggested that the guy jump first being a man, the guy jumped. the lady closed her eyes ,walked away and said love is blind. the guy released his hidden parachute, shook his head and said true love never dies

FATHER AND SON

A boy returned from school after examination and the following ensued between him and his father...

Son: Daddy, do you know something?

Daddy: No, until you tell me my son

Son: You are not going to buy books for me next session

Daddy: Why? Have you been given a scholarship?

Son: No! Iam repeating the class...

FOOLISH MAN

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife Unclad/naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "addy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally Unclad/naked, covering on the closet floor. "You bustard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around Unclad/naked scaring the kids!

MEN CAREFULL WHAT U ASK FOR....

Wife : Honey,i'm going to
London, Do you need
anything?
Husband : "jokingly" Yes a
BRITISH girl!! ;]
(Wife returns from London)
Husband : Where's my british
girl??
Wife : Don't think i dont keep my
word huh!
You have to wait for 9
months

Grand Pa and Grand Child

Grand pa told child:  Your teacher comes because u missed school today go and hide,
 The child said: I took an excuse that u died so u go and Hide.

MAN AND RECEPTIONIST

man: hello can I see the manager?
receptionist: whats ur name
man: Louder
receptionist: ur name please
man:Louder
receptionist: I mean what is ur name
man: Louder, Louder
receptionist: are u deaf! am at the top of my voice and u still can't hear me
man: my name is mr. Louder. Tell him mr. Louder from Scotland wants to see him
receptionist: I'm sorry sir

GRADUATION SURPRISE

BANK ROBBERY

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.

OLD MAN ( PART 2)

Someone asked an old man: Even after 90 years, u still call ur wife Darling, Honey, Sweetheart etc. What's ur secret? Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago n I'm afraid to ask her.

3 MEN

3 men took their wives to hospital for delivery, shortly a nurse came out and ask who is JOSEPH that works with three crown, d man stood up, congratulations, your wife has delivered 3 bouncing babies.
Shortly again the nurse came out and asked, who is JOHN that works with 7up, congratulations your wife has delivered 7 bouncing babies,
immediately the 3rd guy took off, he ran away cuz he was working with 33 lager beer !

SMART DRIVER

Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?

Man: i was driving at about 40mph, when i tried to stop i found that i had no brakes. i saw 2 men walking on the street and a wedding on d other side of d street, who should i hit?

Policeman: of course the 2 men,less damage.

Man: that's what i thought to myself, but when i did it, i hit only one and the other one ran to the wedding, SO I DROVE AFTER HIM!

MAN HEART VS WOMAN HEART

Things u will see in D̶̲̥̅̊ heart of a man and a woman

A MAN HEART.               

=Childrens School fees
=Electricity bill
=House rent
=Business for him n spouse
=Fuel    
=relations/ family fight
=everyday sleepless night

A WOMAN HEART

=jewelry, pearls
=new bags n shoes
=food
=latest car
=enjoyment
=outings
=abroad trips
=brazilian hair
=KFC
=silverbird cinema
=latest gossip