FAITHFULNESS

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”

The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

CHILDREN AGAIN

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

TV BOYFRIEND

My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.

The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

WEIRD BATHROOM PICTURE

CHINESE

Chinese to USA: five Chinese, Chu, Bu, Hu, Futheir names to American standards and Su decided to immigrate to the USA. In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
(Chu became Chuck) (Bu became Buck) ( Hu became Huck)
**
**
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

1. Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
 10. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
11. Women would rule the world.

U CAN'T STEAL MY BICYCLE

The Owner Must Really Love This Bicycle.

BLAME THE NETWORK

A Creditor called the person owing him some money and then he said:

Creditor: Hello, When am I getting my balance cus i can't take this any longer from you.
Debitor: "Hello,hello,hello, I can't hear you well !,
Hello,hello,hello , hello,  The network is cracking call me later!,

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR FATHER

A boy saw a girl and walked up to her to talk to her, instead of going straight to the point he began, I hope you know my father, Chief Johnson,the owner of (He called his father's company), the senatorial aspirant for his district. I am his first son and I would like you to be my girl.

To his amazement, the girl replied "I think I am in love with your father.

WORK JOKES

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, " $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

PERFECT EXAMPLES

At a Bible study meeting, the organizer told the group that they are going to discuss Bible verses about lying spirits and how it's affecting the new generation.

She then proceeded to ask them if they had already read the seventeenth chapter of Mark and said, "Please raise your hand." a few raise their hands.

"Fine." She said smiling, "You are perfect examples of our topic for today. There's no seventeenth chapter in the Book of Mark.

FRANK and MARY

Frank and Mary are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
 
Frank says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
 
Mary replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

MARRIAGE JOKES

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.

LITTLE ROMMY

Aunty: How many of u prayed this morning?

Romade: aunty I prayed

Aunty: alright romade, what did u pray for?

romade: i prayed that my uncle's car would break down when we go out together

Aunty: c'mon rommy! why?

Romade: but aunty, that is da only way he will stop and buy something for me.

THE MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dearest Samantha,


I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 20th of June 2009.


With reference to the meeting held between us on the 20th of June 2009 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

SHORTEST MONTH

Teacher: Mavis, can you tell me which month is the shortest?
Mavis: Its May, miss.
Teacher: No, it isnt. The shortest month is February.
Mavis: But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!

EXPERIMENT

A ninth-grade teacher wanted to demonstrate the evils of liquor to his young students. He produced a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms. "Now class, observe closely," he said as he dropped one of the worms into the glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water, perfectly happy. The teacher dropped the second worm into the glass of vodka. The worm swam around for a moment, then seized up and curled, quickly sinking to the bottom of the glass, dead as a doornail. "Now, what can be learned from this experiment?" the teacher asked his students. After a pause, a young man stood up and said, "Well, if you drink vodka, you'll never get worms."

SMART MADNES

A doctor was examing two of his psychatric patients to see who amongst them is getting better.he put them in a dark room and switchd on a torch light and said to them "Any one of you who can sit on the ray of this light will go home today"the first guy aproached the ray and started jumping hard 2 sit on it while the other sat in a corner laughing.the doctor looked at him and said its your turn he looked at the doctor and said "U THINK DAT AM MAD ?U WANT ME TO CLIMB THE RAY SO DAT WEN AM ON IT U WILL OFF THE LIGHT AND I WILL FALL! UR MAD"

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the
fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially  countries
with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet
and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

DRINKING HABIT

A man loses everything because of his drinking habit, this evening he saw empty bottles on the bar table,
He smashes 1 bottle swearing"my wife left me because of you",
Smashes 2nd bottle "you are the reason i don't have kids",
3rd bottle " your the reason i don't have a job",
But the 4th bottle was sealed and full of beer, So he said 'stand aside, i know your not involved.

ARE U MARRIED? (PART 1)

Wife: I wish I was a
newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all
day.
Husband: I too wish that you
were a newspaper, So I could
have a new one every day.

ARE U MARRIED? ( PART 2)

Husband: Today is Sunday &
I
have to enjoy it. So I bought
3
movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your
parents

A THIEF AND A FOOL

A man was walking down a lonely dark ally one night when he was stopped by a mugger with a gun.

THIEF: Your life or your money mister! [pointing a gun at his victim}

VICTIM: Take my life because i am saving my money for my old age.

SON VS MUM

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

LOVE IS BLIND

Two lovers decided to commit suicide. they go to the mountain top and the lady suggested that the guy jump first being a man, the guy jumped. the lady closed her eyes ,walked away and said love is blind. the guy released his hidden parachute, shook his head and said true love never dies

FATHER AND SON

A boy returned from school after examination and the following ensued between him and his father...

Son: Daddy, do you know something?

Daddy: No, until you tell me my son

Son: You are not going to buy books for me next session

Daddy: Why? Have you been given a scholarship?

Son: No! Iam repeating the class...

FOOLISH MAN

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife Unclad/naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "addy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally Unclad/naked, covering on the closet floor. "You bustard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around Unclad/naked scaring the kids!

MEN CAREFULL WHAT U ASK FOR....

Wife : Honey,i'm going to
London, Do you need
anything?
Husband : "jokingly" Yes a
BRITISH girl!! ;]
(Wife returns from London)
Husband : Where's my british
girl??
Wife : Don't think i dont keep my
word huh!
You have to wait for 9
months

Grand Pa and Grand Child

Grand pa told child:  Your teacher comes because u missed school today go and hide,
 The child said: I took an excuse that u died so u go and Hide.

MAN AND RECEPTIONIST

man: hello can I see the manager?
receptionist: whats ur name
man: Louder
receptionist: ur name please
man:Louder
receptionist: I mean what is ur name
man: Louder, Louder
receptionist: are u deaf! am at the top of my voice and u still can't hear me
man: my name is mr. Louder. Tell him mr. Louder from Scotland wants to see him
receptionist: I'm sorry sir

GRADUATION SURPRISE

BANK ROBBERY

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.

OLD MAN ( PART 2)

Someone asked an old man: Even after 90 years, u still call ur wife Darling, Honey, Sweetheart etc. What's ur secret? Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago n I'm afraid to ask her.

3 MEN

3 men took their wives to hospital for delivery, shortly a nurse came out and ask who is JOSEPH that works with three crown, d man stood up, congratulations, your wife has delivered 3 bouncing babies.
Shortly again the nurse came out and asked, who is JOHN that works with 7up, congratulations your wife has delivered 7 bouncing babies,
immediately the 3rd guy took off, he ran away cuz he was working with 33 lager beer !

SMART DRIVER

Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?

Man: i was driving at about 40mph, when i tried to stop i found that i had no brakes. i saw 2 men walking on the street and a wedding on d other side of d street, who should i hit?

Policeman: of course the 2 men,less damage.

Man: that's what i thought to myself, but when i did it, i hit only one and the other one ran to the wedding, SO I DROVE AFTER HIM!

MAN HEART VS WOMAN HEART

Things u will see in D̶̲̥̅̊ heart of a man and a woman

A MAN HEART.               

=Childrens School fees
=Electricity bill
=House rent
=Business for him n spouse
=Fuel    
=relations/ family fight
=everyday sleepless night

A WOMAN HEART

=jewelry, pearls
=new bags n shoes
=food
=latest car
=enjoyment
=outings
=abroad trips
=brazilian hair
=KFC
=silverbird cinema
=latest gossip

UNFAITHFUL WIFE

A man waved his wife goodbye as he was traveling out of town with the driver to drop him at the airport.

On his way, he remembered he forgot an important document and returned home.
His wife was having her bath with soap on her face; the husband tiptoed to the bathroom and touched her balloons.

The wife responded "Hey house boy don't start now, we have a whole day for ourselves my husband travelling".

When there was no response,she opened her eyes,

CHEAPEST WEDDING/ BEST WEDDING CAKE

5 FRIENDS

5 friends live in 1 apartment:
their names were: mad, brain, fool, somebody and nobody.
Somebody killed nobody at the time brain was in the bathroom mad called the police station.
police said: what is the matter?
Mad said: somebody killed nobody.
Police said: are u mad.
Maid said: yes, i am mad.
Police said: do u have a brain ?
Mad said: brain is in the bathroom.
Police said: u re a fool!
Maid said: no sir fool is reading this text.

TEACHER AND STUDENT

Question
Teacher - if all your chairs are not good, Who will you call for Repair?
Answer
Student- CHAIRMAN

HOW TO CHASE YOUR GIRLFRIEND AWAY

When you don't want to marry your girlfriend, just say:
baby,you know i love you very much and care about you,i just bought a 20 carat gold ring and i'm planning to propose when Arsenal wins both the premier league and champions league same season, 

16 WIFES

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

MOM

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother.
[Five minutes later]
"Mom."
"What"?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water"?
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom."
"What"?
"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water"?
"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm."
"WHAT"?!
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water"?

NICE JOKES

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how
much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

OLD GUY

A 70yr old guy returns a book to library, bangs it on table & says – What a shittt ?
“I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all” ?

Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory

BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE

A famous speaker said: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife" Audience was in shock & silence. He added: She was my Mother. . . . . ,Applause! A man tried to crack the joke at home, he said loudly to his wife in kitchen, Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife. Standing for a moment to recall the second half, By the time he regained his sense, he was on a hospital bad, recovering from burns of boiling water.

SLIM POSSIBLE

JUST SMILE

Girl: Am not feeling  well today
Boy: Oh! Dats to bad , thought of taking you for shopping today
Girl: I was joking
Boy: I was joking too.

JEALOUS HUSBAND

Husband comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to his Bedroom. From under the blanket he sees four legs instead of two. He reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as he can. Once he's done, he goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As he enters, he sees his wife there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", she says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said Hello ?

5 Year Old Boy

A 5 Year Old Boy ask his Mother, "o all Angels Fly Mother: Yes Dear, Why Do U Ask? Boy: Well Yesterday while U were at  the Salon, Dad Called Our New House Girl an Angel. Will She Fly too? Mother: Yes Dear, She will Fly 2 their Village Tomorrow Morning and Never Come Back, lol

PICTURE OF A DENTIST AT WORK

I AM THE GREATEST LIAR ON EARTH

We used to have 7 swimming
pools in my house until armed robbers
stole 6.
CHALLENGE ME WITH YOURS IF YOU
CAN,

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRL AND A WOMAN

A girl knows how to demand. A woman knows how to contribute. Girls complain too often. A woman will observe for a while, and then call her man's attention to the matter arising. Girls can spend 5k on ice cream, A woman can manage 5k to cook for a week.
A girl will wanna keep up with trends. A woman will wanna consider her man's progress. A girl will never ask how he manages. Caring after him is a woman's priority. A girl will measure her man's worth by the weight of his pocket. A woman will measure her man's worth by his level of Wisdom and the fear of God and how disciplined he can be towards finances. A girl is naturally selfish, stubborn, and Short sighted.
A woman is sacrificial, loyal, future oriented and family minded. A girl wants everything now. A woman waits until they can both attend to their needs as at when possible.

SMART WIFE

An house wife was on her way to an hotel wit her boyfriend when she saw the husband coming out of the hotel with a girl, on sighting the husband she immediately said "i catch u today". Thank God i brought a witness.

INDIAN ENGLISH

An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England .
They were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: Green, Pink and Yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I hope it will be a pink day."

The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV.

Last was the Indian: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "yellow".

MISSING HUSBAND

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband...!

Woman: I lost my husband

Inspector: What is his height

Woman: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy

Woman: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Color of eyes

Woman: Never noticed

Inspector: Color of hair

Woman: Should be black

Inspector: What was he wearing

Woman: I don't remember exactly

Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
(The woman started crying)

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!

PLEASE DARLING

EMBARRASSMENT

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

THIS IS NOT FAIR!

TEACHER:If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4,what is 4+4? 
PUPIL:That is not fair!you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

DOCTOR

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman
to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

NEGOTIATIONS

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

EMERGENCY CALL

Johnny:hello is this 911?

Police:yes whats your emergency

johnny:2 girls are fighting over me

police:and whats wrong with that?

Johnny:the ugly one is winning......hurry

JEALOUS WOMAN

A pastor married a jealous woman. One day the woman was in the kitchen cooking when she overheard him praying in the living room, “Thank you Lord for bringing mercy, joy and grace into my life.” She ran quickly with a frying pan, whacked him on the head and said, “I knew you were a player and a fake pastor! You’ve just prayed for all your girlfriends, you think I didn’t hear you! Who the hell are Mercy, Joy and Grace???”

HUSBAND AND WIFE

Husband: I have a problem at the office. 

Wife: After marriage, you

don't say I have a problem, say we have a problem. 
Husband: Ok, We are
expecting a baby from OUR Secretary

TRY AGAIN LATER !!!!!..

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile
phone but discovered that she was out of credit.
She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass
across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to
inform her that there was a lady that picked up
daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on
the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from
work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed
out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him
again, for good measure.

People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find
out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman
asked Junior to tell everybody what the lady said to
him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialled is not
available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

LIE DETECTOR

Man buys a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.He decided to test it at dinner:Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?Son: At school (robot slaps son)Son: Okay I went to the movies!Dad: Which one?Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)Son: Okay I was watching porn.Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)Mom: hahahahaha ! after all he is your Son!(robot slaps Mom).

PRICE OF THE DRESS

Lady: what is the price of this dress?
Salesman: 5 kisses
Lady: what is the price of that dress?
Salesman: 10 kisses
Lady: OK pack both of them & bill will be paid by my Grandmother

CAUGHT RED-HANDED!!!

A boy caught his daddy red-handed with their house-girl making love and his daddy gave him 500/= Tshs. not to tell his mummy. Almost refusing the money, the boy said: ''daddy, that's not fair, mummy gave 1000/= Tshs. when I caught her with our gate-man''.

MARRYING SIBLINGS.....

A lil boy asks a lil girl if she would marry him when they grow up.
The lil girl answers:
I am sorry, I can't... In my family we only marry our siblings.
My grandpa married my grandma,
My dad married my mum
My sister married my brother-in-law...

GIRL TO HER BOYFRIEND

Girl to her boyfriend: stop looking at girls..your committed now...
Boy: Oh honey, it's not fair..u mean if am on diet, i should not even look at the menu..!

BEWARE OF UNKNOWN NUMBER

Unknown No.1

Hi,Do u have a boyfriend?
Girl:Yes.Who are you?

It's your dad, be home this weekend, and we will talk!


Unknown No.2

Hi do you have a boyfriend?
Girl:Not a chance,who are you anyway?

It's your boyfriend,sucks to know that you are not proud to be with me and be your boyfriend
Girl:Sorry babe,I thought u r my dad, he texted me a while back asking the same question

Yes,it's me, your dad.We'll have a long talk this weekend!

NEVER FORGET YOUR PAST

Bill Gates in a restaurant....

After eating he gave the weiter a tip of 5$
the weiter was annoyed n Gates realized that..
Gates; What's wrong..?
Weiter; on the same table sat ur son yesterday and he gave out a tip of 500$ but you the richest man in the world only 5$??

Gates replied with all the wisdom...
Gates; He is the son of the worlds richest man but I am the son of the wood cutter....

AMAZING

What is ABCDEFG?

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

SMART PRISONER

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower

7 QUALITIES TO BE A PERFECT WOMAN

7 qualities to be a perfect woman:

B - Beautiful,
R - Responsible,
E - Energetic,
A - Adorable,
S - Sweet,
T - Truthful
S - Self-Organised

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

LOVING HUSBAND

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your father."

THE GUILTY ARE ALWAYS AFRAID

Pastor: "If there is anybody here that does not want this couple to be
joined together in holy matrimony, he or she should speak out now."

A man from the extreme of the church stood up and walked towards the alter. As the bride saw the man coming closer, she fainted. The bridegroom and the whole congregation were in confusion.
When the man got to the front, the pastor asked, "Why don't you want these people to be joined together?"

Man: "I could not hear your voice clearly from the back sir, so Idecided to come and tell you that the speaker is faulty ,!!!!

A LADY LOST THREE PANTIES

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. The Maid defended herself by saying "Sir, you are my witness you know I never wear panties."

A MARRIAGE PROMISE

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 15 children and were blessed with 24 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

LITTLE JOHNNY

teacher asked : Why are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"

MEN: WATCH YOUR ANSWERS.

Wife buys a Dozen underwear of same color 4 hubby her husband. HUBBY:Why Same Color? People will think I never change underwear.. WIFE:Which people who see your underwear than me?
TOTAL SILENCE
WIFE:Answer me!!
HUBBY: (silently)Damn! what have i said!

SUNDAY SCHOOL

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

TEACHER and STUDENT

TEACHER: Can you tell the name of 2 great kings who have brought troubles into people lives?


STUDENT: "Smo-king and Drin-king

A CHAGA: I am so miser that i went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.


A PARE: That's nothing,i saved full money,i sent my wife for honeymoon with my Haya friend

KIDS,THEY NEVER LEARN

Mum sends her son to buy her some matches,the boy comes home from shop.
BOY:Mum here are the matches you sent me.
MOM:Are they working?
BOY:Yes i tested all of them,they work.
MOM:What!??#

I AM WORRIED ABOUT MY CHILD

A mother went to see a psychologist being worried about the characters of his child.
MOTHER: I'm worried doctor, the boy is a great lier, a cheater, unfaithful, corrupt...He don't fulfill his promises, he always say one thing and deny it later. What's wrong with him?
DOCTOR: Shhhhhhhhh!! Don't tell it to anybody, they may spoil. You'have a treasure. He's going to be a great politician

SMART GIRL

Mrs. Frank: sent her daughter Silvia to buy some groceries at the market. On the way, she met some boys who asked her to climb up a tree and get them some fruit, which she did. She bought the groceries and got back home to her mother.

Mrs. Frank: "Why did you take so long?"Silvia: "I met some boys who asked me to climb up a tree and fetch them some fruit."


Mrs. Frank: "Silvia, you should know that when boys ask you to climb up a tree, all they want is to see your underwear. You shouldn’t have done it."

Silvia: "Mother, I know. That's why I took them off before climbing up the tree."

LITTLE GIRL PRAYER

"Dear God, this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone and computer, and build shelter to the homeless men who sleep with mum when dad is at work...please assist my parents to stop fighting at night so that they can sleep well in your name....Amen."

WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong address, and without realizing he sent the mail. Meanwhile Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife, Subject: I've reached. I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have Computers here, and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival 2mrrow.

RECYCLING STUPIDITY

A boss saying 2 his secretary that we are going abroad for a tour for a week.
Secretary calls her husband: I'm going abroad for one week.
Husband calls her girlfriend: Wife is going away for a week, lets enjoy.
Girlfriend calls her student: for a week no class for u.
Little boy calls his grandpa: I'm free for this week.
Grandpa(Boss) calls his secretary: Tour cancelled.i'm with my grandson this week.
Secretary calls her husband: Tour cancelled.....
Husband calls girlfriend: Wife is not going.so we too can't
go.
Girlfriend calls boy: This week you have class as usual...
Boy calls grandpa: Sorry grandpa gotta attend my classes.
Grandpa calls secretary: we are going abroad...!!

and it goes on.......

Son: "Dad,what do i give my new girlfriend as a valentine gift?"
Dad: "How does she look?"
Son: "She looks sweet,pretty,fun to be with her and of course very sexy"
Dad: "Give her my number

EXPIRY DATE

A couple had  been having a rough relationship lately
So their conversation went thus:

WIFE: Honey what are you looking at?

HUSBAND: Nothing!
WIFE: Nothing! and you have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?

HUSBAND:I was looking for the expiry date of this damn marriage contract!

U WILL GO TO JAIL......!

Teacher: “I killed a person”

convert this sentence into future tense.

Student: The future tense is “u will go to jail”.

A PROUD FATHER!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'".

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four".

QUICK THINKERS!!!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
 
HAROLD: A teacher 


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

WHAT A CONFESSION???!!!!!

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

JEALOUS BOY

A 5yr old boy was jealous of his new baby
brother
because his mother was not paying attention to him at all.
Tired of this constant ignoring he decided to
solve the problem once and for all...He decided to
put poison on his mother's nipples while she was
sleeping to kill the baby.
The next morning guess what.......................

The father(their dad) has past away!!!!!

ANGRY WIFE TO HER HUSBAND

An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?" 
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O


Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!


Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

BLOOD DONATION TO HIS GIRLFRIEND

A boy donated blood to his girl friend,
when they broke up the boy wanted his blood back,
the girl threw a bloody pad at him and say i will pay u
in monthly installment!!!

MONEY BETTER THAN LOVE

I told her : "I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend Frank, but I love you and adore you."
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "If you love me, introduce me to Frank..."
Simply hilarious

THREE MEN

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....the taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds......so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them : 'we have arrived'......

The first man gave him money.....
the second one thanked him.....but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have had realized that the car didnt move an inch.....so, he asked the third man : 'what was that for?'
the third man replied : 'control your speed from next time onwards......you almost killed us.....

BRAVE LAWYER

A Married Lawyer was having fun in his car, with his
secretary.
On getting home his wife observed panties on the
back seat,She tore it apart screaming "honey
what is this ??"
He calmly replied : "you have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case,worth a million for me
which I'm handling.
You can forget the jewellery you were asking for”.
She quickly fell on her knees apologising

PANTIES

Customer : My wife needs a bra but, I don't know the size.

Sales girl : Touch my breast and try to calculate.

Customer : Oh ! I forgot she needs panties too....

THIS APPLICATION LETTER IS AMAZING..HAVE FUN

Dear Sir
I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.
Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all
burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying.
I can remember you saying on the funeral that it will be very difficult to replace, meaning there is no one at the moment.

Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more.

It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me.

For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too.
A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine, the company no longer has to pay his
retirement funds. The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbor and it will be easy for me to
simply jump over the Dura wall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' licence as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 will also be handed over to me.
And sir,don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amiable qualities that speak for themselves.

I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. For that sir, I will be
sending my pictures taken whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed. As for my referees,
well the same dead manager was my referee so we can safely skip that part.
I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning.
Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known
Yours ever smiling even in tough times.
Fantastic

AN 80 YEARS OLD

An 80yr old man says to his doctor: My 28yr old wife is pregnant, what's your opinion doctor Doctor: let me tell you a story, a hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and Bang.......... The Lion drops dead! Old man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot the lion. Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!!!

A TYPICAL KENYAN MAN MONTHLY BUDGET

IMPRESSING A GIRL

A boy went to the gym and ask the coacher
BOY: hey i want to impress a girl and i will meet her after 3 days which machine should I use?
COACHER: use the ATM machine outside..!