BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR

Johnson was praying one sunday morning,he said Lord give me a job which would make have a loud voice to be heard,my pockets always full of money and a big vehicle , full of ladies everyday.The Lord granted his prayers,the next day,he became a Bus Conductor

FOOTBALL JOKES

Lionel Messi was passing  through the streets of New York when he got attracted to hooker plying her trade on that same street.He quickly went to meet her and after some discussions,they agreed to go over to his place.
On getting there,the lady went to the bathroom to have a shower,on her way back,she was surprised to meet 3 unclad men on the bed.Before she could say anything,Messi bloated out "am sorry i didnt tell you this earlier but i can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta

LEAVING CHILDREN HOME ALONE

ON MY WAY TO WALMART SHOPPING MALL

THREE GIRL BATHING

Three girls were bathing at the same place,suddenly air blew their towels away,unfortunately a guy was coming, one covered her
bosom, the other covered her private part, while the third covered her face. Among the three girls,
who do you think is the WISEST

CREATIVE

TRY TO CHEAT NOW

AKPOS

After dipping AKPOS three times in water, Father Peter then said to him, “You are now a new creation so your name is no longer AKPOS but Paul. From now onwards, no eating pork.”. On arrival home, AKPOS now Paul dipped his pork in water three times and then said, “From now on your name is beef!!

I DRINK ONE GLASS OF BEER A DAY,2 GLASS OF BEER IS NOT GOOD

SIGN BOARD

In the corridor of a government office
was a sign board reading
“Don’t make any noise.”
Someone added the following words
“Otherwise, we might wake up”

COMMUNICATION BARRIERS

Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
Tonde: No! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Tonde: My mother will not allow me to go so far !!

LET'S CARE OUR ANIMALS

let's care our animals,in our homes,our farms and everywhere as they are a source of fun and food to everyone.

CREATIVITY OR EFFECT OF DRUGS?

BOYFRIEND Vs GIRLFRIEND

Girlfriend: i cheated:
Boyfriend: do u think i love u?
i was also cheating on you for the past 2 years,
u are just for fun.....
Girlfriend: cried & said,i was talking about my exams

NICE DEAR JOHN LETTER REPLY

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break
up and she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected
all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

DAN AND SONS OFF TO WATCH A MOVIE

AKPOR and TEACHER

Teacher: Who want to go heaven?
all the student raise up their hand except Akpor.
Teacher: Akpor,why are u not raising up your hand? don't u want to go heaven?
Akpor: My mother told me to come home straight after school.

LIFE LAUGH WITH AKPOR

Doctor And Apkor.

Doctor: Do u exercise daily for good health?
Apkor:  Sir i play football cricket,tennis daily.
Doctor:  Good,how long do you play?
.
Apkor: Until the battery in my mobile goes down.

LAUGH LIFE WITH APKOR

Pricipal: why were u absent yesterday?
Akpor:  i attended a burial
Principal: Hmmm! Akpor The Professional Lateness Specialist,Nothing Will Stop Me From Punishing U,Now Answer Me.......Who Died?
Akpor: You See,The First Son Of  The Cousins Of My Grand Mother's Youngest Nephew Who Is Also The Youngest Step Brother To The Woman Who Gave Birth To My Uncles Youngest Step-Son and He Was Also....................!
Principal: Alright.....Alright...Oo! Thats Enough..Oo! Just Go To The Class.

PHONE CALL SUMMARY

Phone CALL SUMMARY.
_______________ ____
Guys to Parents... 00 : 59 secs.
Guys to friends... 01 : 10secs.
Guys to guys... 00 : 28secs.
But Guys to ladies... 10
minutes :59 secs!!!

Why?
Because ladies to guys is always...
00 : 05 secs.
Because the only thing they say is
.
.
.
."PLEASE, CALL ME BACK. I NEED TO
TALK TO YOU" OR "PLEASE SEND ME
SOME CREDIT"

CHATTING

WHAT CAN U DO?

I HAVE A PROBLEM OF FORGETTING

Marietha: Dr. i have a problem of forgetting.
Doctor:  when did the problem start?.
Marietha: which problem?

MEN SHOULD LISTEN

A man is driving up a steep,narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG",The man immediately leans out his window and replies,"BITCH!!" They each continue on their way,and as the man rounds the next corner,he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road!.

YOU ARE NOW ON VOICEMAIL SERVICE

Ngriiiii Ngriiiii Ngriiiii


Girl: Hello Dear?
Guy: Am fine,u?
Girl: Just missing u.. I need $150 for my Hair
Guy: You Are now on Voicemail service... Press 2 to
Leave a Message, or Press 1 to End this Call.....

INTERVIEW

a journalist went to certain village and had the following interviewed with the king:
journalist:as the ruler of this community what is your plan for the people
king:::::you are calling me RULER! your father is Pencil,your mother is sharpener and you yourself Eraser-silly boy

TEACHER AND HIS STUDENT

A teache gave his student a class work to draw a cow eating glass,every student submitted their drawing but a
student gave his teacher a
blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Student: It's a drawing of a cow
eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper)
Where's the grass?
Student: The cow ate all of it.
, Teacher: (looked at the paper
again)Then, where's the cow?
Student: It left because there
was no more grass.

NO COMMENT

RIVER BANK

Girlfriend Called her
Boyfriend
GF: Honey where are you ?
BF: I'm at the bank
GF: Dear, please I need 5k
to activate my blackberry, 3k to do
my hair and 10k
to buy a dress.
BF: Sorry, I meant I was at
the "bank" of a river..
Do you want fish ?

GIRL..

Boy: Where Are You Going?
Girl: For Suicide..
Boy: Then, Why Soo Much Make-Up?
Girl: You ..!! Tomorrow My Photo will Come In Newspaper

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

What will you do if your grandfather was on sick bed and you are there with him,after a while he started praying for you for about 10 minutes and his last word was my son i left 10 million US Dollar for you in in in in..............and he die.Please advice if your in that position

ENGINEER WEDDING

PASTOR AND BROTHER PAUL

A brick layer who is a member of a church came to do a job for his church, the job was done for two days which the work pay is 4k. The following conversation was made between the man and the pastor
pastor: Bro paul u are blessed for working in Gods vineyard
Bro Paul: thank u pastor
pastor: how much is ur bill?
Paul: 4k
pastor: what is 4k that the lord can not pay u? Bro! Just go with faith heaven wil pay u.
Paul: Ah! Pastor the 4k is my advance if I get to heaven I will collect my balance.

JUDGE AND PRISONER

Judge said;
Silence in court!
You people are making noise.
The next person who shouts will be thrown outside the courtroom.
A prisoner shouted; Hurraaaaaah!!!!!!
The Judge said to him; You are going nowhere, i wasn't
talking to you.

SAD STORY

Three friends decided to go to China for vacation. Since they were new at the place, they had to stay in a hotel... And they ended up being on the 60th floor. D policy of the hotel was that, at midnight, the elevator ll be shut down. The next day, the friends rented a car and explored the city. They enjoyed themselves and arrived at the hotel past midnight. The elevators was shut down. There's was no other way to get to their room than to take the stairs all the way to the 60th floor. 1st friend: For the 1st 20th floor, I ll tell jokes to keep us going, then another cud say wise stories for the next 20th floor; then we ll cover the final 20th floors with sad stories. So he started with jokes, with laughs & joy, they reached the 20th floor. Another friend started saying stories full of wisdom. They learned a lot while reaching the 40th floor. Now it's time for the sad stories, so the 3rd friend said, "My 1st sad story is dat, I left the keys of the room in the car...

CHANGING EXAM PATTERN

Other than the Poorly equipped Laboratories and other incondusive learning environment, Could this be yet another reason why our Educational system continues to get dilapidated?

SENSELESSNESS

Young student:i'v got stomach ache.
teacher:that's because u haven't eaten and u stomach is empty,so it hurts.
Young student:now i know why my maths teacher has headaches.his head must be empty.

HOT COUPLE IN TOWN....CONGRATULATION

TANZANIAN PROFESSORS

18 Tanzanian professors were called to sit in an airplane. When they all sat and the plane was about to take off, they were informed that the plane was made by their own students..... they all quickly ran out of the plane leaving one man who was sitting confidently. Onlookers asked him why he was still in the airplane. He said: if indeed this airplane was made by our students, trust me it wont even start!

AKPOS HAS DONE IT AGAIN

One day Akpos was enjoying the sun at the beach.
A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
.
Akpos answered, "No, I am Akpos."
Another guy came and asked him the same
question.

Akpos answered, "No! No! Me Akpos!"

d third one came and asked him the same question
again.

Akpos was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the
sun. He went up to him and asked," Are you Relaxing?"


This guy was a lot more educated and answered,
"Yes, I am relaxing."


Akpos slapped him in his face and said,
"Stupidd, eediot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here.. . .
.
.
.the guy fell into instant coma

HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MAKING

A POLICEMAN

A policeman arrested a man for urinating in a prohibited place and fined him $50.The man gave the policeman $100 and the policeman told d man;I beg urinate one more time,coz I don't have change.

THE silly GUY AND THE DOCTOR

There was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said : "doctor i have a fever" the doctor said : "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine", the sick guy said : "but doctor,I only have 3 spoons what shall I do?"

IRONY ON FACEBOOK

IRONY ON FACEBOOK
Different updates and their
response
1. Am a saved man and I
love
going to church.
- 2 likes.
- 1 comment.
2. I know I will do well in my
studies
- 4 likes.
- 3 comments.
3. Tonight I must watch T.V
coz I
missed the previous
programmes
- 12 likes.
- 23 comments.
4. I had s.3x through the
entire
night but am still horný
- 72 likes.
- 127 comments

NO COMMENT

WHO IS THE BEST THIEF?

Mike and John entered a chocolate
shop. As they were busy looking at
John, Mike steals 3 chocolate bars.
After leaving the store Mike says to
John, "man, I'm the best thief ever, I
stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me,
U can'tbeat that" John replies, " you
want to see something better? lets go
back to the shop and I'll show you real
stealing" So they went to the counter
and John says to the shopkeeper, "Do
you want to see magic? Shopkeeper
replies, "yes! John says,"Ok, give me one
chocolate bar" The shopkeeper gave
him one, and he eats it. He asks for the
2nd and he eats it as well. He asks for
the 3rd and finishes that too. The
shopkeeper asks, "but where is the
magic? John replies, "Check in my
friends pocket and you'll find them!.

FATHER-IN-LAW

Father-In-Law : Young man, U’re coming to
seek my daughter’s hand in marriage and u’re
chewing gum.
That’s a sign of disrespect!
Man : Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or
smoke.
Father-In-Law : You mean u drink & smoke
and u’re here to seek my daughter’s hand in
marriage?
Man : Sir I only drink &smoke when i go to the
club.
Father-In-Law : U club too?
Man : I’m sorry sir, I started clubbing when i
came out of prison.
Father-In-Law : U’ve also been in prison
before? Oh my God!
Man : Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed
somebody!!.
Father-In-Law : What!!! U’re a killer
Man : Sir, It happened out of anger. It was a
certain man that didn’t allow me to marry his
daughter so i killed him.
Father-In-Law : U are highly welcome my son.
U are on the right track. U’re absolutely the
right Man for my Daughter

MARIE GIRL

A Lady asked her boyfriend " how much
do you love me?
Boy: I love you so much, can't
measure.......
Girl: No just tell me....
Boy: Okay I am like a phone and you are
my sim card, there's no me without
you......
Girl: aaaaaawww that is so romantic .......
(Boy says 2 himself) see Marie !! What if
I'm a china phone wit 3 sims card?

WHO'S AT FAULT?

boy was in a taxi eating chocolate,den he took another one, then a man next 2 him said
"Do you know that will damage your teeth". . The boy replied, "my grandfather lived 132 years"
The man asked "was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied ; "No, he was always minding his own business".

FAMILY PLANNING

VIDEO ( LAUGH AT YOUR OWN RISK)

WHO IS A CHILD OF GOD?

A man with an Ak 47 ran to a church & pointed d gun at d congregation
demanding "who is a child of God here, let me send him 2 heaven? D
congregation remained silent and he released one of d bullet on d roof.The
congregation shouted "Its d pastor, he always says that he is a child of
God" D pastor replied "what kind of conspiracy is this?" Everyone here knows that i am
the son of Philip & d grandson of Francis

I WON'T FORGET

I visited my Chinese Friend Dying in Hospital.
My Chinese Friend just kept Saying "CHIN YU
YAN" and He Died. I had to go to China to find
the meaning of my Friend's last Words. And I
found out that It means "U ARE STANDNG ON
THE OXYGEN TUBE!!!! "

KIM AND KANYE 10 YEARS TO COME

A BOY AND A GIRL IN A LIBRARY

A boy and a girl were in a very quiet library, the boy was asking the girl out,
The Girl replied in a very low voice: “guy leave me alone we’re in library”
The boy was still disturbing her too much, (in anger) the girl shouted very loudly to him, leave me alone eeeeeeh, all the people in the library were about to stare at the boy when the boy replied with a very loud voice, i won’t leave you alone you this demon inside this girl, get out now in Jesus name, and all people in the library shouted amen!!!

WOMAN AND SON

A woman was beating her son for
stealing. After thoroughly beating him,
she asked 'do you know where your
stealing will take you'. The son said yes
I know. Surprised, the mother asked
where? And the son replied - National
Assembly......

KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK TOO QUICK

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same
day, same time."

OVER SHARP GIRL!!

Husband & wife were arguing on who is d most Coward & Scared between dem. After a long argument, they decided to ask their 2 kids who they think was d most Coward & Scared between them. The first Kid (Junior)says: Dad is d most Coward cos, 1: "He's scared of women: Whenever he sees a Beautiful lady in town; He closes his one eye (i.e- WINKs @ d LADY)...... Wife realizing d meaning was very angry with her husband" The Second kid (faith)says: "dat is nothing My Daddy is not coward as our mummy becos, Mummy is so Scared (coward) to Sleep alone When DAD works Night shift, MUMMY Sleeps with d Man next door; Sometimes She invites d GARDENER or Uncle KINGSLEY to Sleep wit Her. Sometimes Uncle Mayowa d Youth Corper, after leaving ur room even escort her to the bathroom & bath with her just because she's scared. HUSBAND FAINTED IMMEDIATELY! —

DUMB WOMAN

A wife just buy a new sim card and decide to surprise her husband. She put the sim inside her phone and hide inside the kitchen to call him. She called "hello darling", Then the husband replied in a low tune "honey, I will call you back, the dumb woman is in the kitchen"

SILLY BOY

A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started
with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. ‘You can’t go home in this,’ said one of his friends, ‘ you’d better stay the
night.’
‘That’s very kind of you,’ said the boy. I’ll just run home and get my pyjamas."lol

AN INTELLIGENT FAMILY

One day,a mum called her child&asked him,4 x 4
and d boy said twelve.His mum started beating
him. Just then d dad came in and asked wat was
d problem,then d mum answerd"i asked him 4 x 4
and he doesn't know it",then d dad asked his
wife,"wat is the answer then"then d mum said its
10. Then d dad said
"GOD has saved you,i thought you didn't know