GIRL..

Boy: Where Are You Going?
Girl: For Suicide..
Boy: Then, Why Soo Much Make-Up?
Girl: You ..!! Tomorrow My Photo will Come In Newspaper

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

What will you do if your grandfather was on sick bed and you are there with him,after a while he started praying for you for about 10 minutes and his last word was my son i left 10 million US Dollar for you in in in in..............and he die.Please advice if your in that position

ENGINEER WEDDING

PASTOR AND BROTHER PAUL

A brick layer who is a member of a church came to do a job for his church, the job was done for two days which the work pay is 4k. The following conversation was made between the man and the pastor
pastor: Bro paul u are blessed for working in Gods vineyard
Bro Paul: thank u pastor
pastor: how much is ur bill?
Paul: 4k
pastor: what is 4k that the lord can not pay u? Bro! Just go with faith heaven wil pay u.
Paul: Ah! Pastor the 4k is my advance if I get to heaven I will collect my balance.

JUDGE AND PRISONER

Judge said;
Silence in court!
You people are making noise.
The next person who shouts will be thrown outside the courtroom.
A prisoner shouted; Hurraaaaaah!!!!!!
The Judge said to him; You are going nowhere, i wasn't
talking to you.

SAD STORY

Three friends decided to go to China for vacation. Since they were new at the place, they had to stay in a hotel... And they ended up being on the 60th floor. D policy of the hotel was that, at midnight, the elevator ll be shut down. The next day, the friends rented a car and explored the city. They enjoyed themselves and arrived at the hotel past midnight. The elevators was shut down. There's was no other way to get to their room than to take the stairs all the way to the 60th floor. 1st friend: For the 1st 20th floor, I ll tell jokes to keep us going, then another cud say wise stories for the next 20th floor; then we ll cover the final 20th floors with sad stories. So he started with jokes, with laughs & joy, they reached the 20th floor. Another friend started saying stories full of wisdom. They learned a lot while reaching the 40th floor. Now it's time for the sad stories, so the 3rd friend said, "My 1st sad story is dat, I left the keys of the room in the car...

CHANGING EXAM PATTERN

Other than the Poorly equipped Laboratories and other incondusive learning environment, Could this be yet another reason why our Educational system continues to get dilapidated?

SENSELESSNESS

Young student:i'v got stomach ache.
teacher:that's because u haven't eaten and u stomach is empty,so it hurts.
Young student:now i know why my maths teacher has headaches.his head must be empty.

HOT COUPLE IN TOWN....CONGRATULATION

TANZANIAN PROFESSORS

18 Tanzanian professors were called to sit in an airplane. When they all sat and the plane was about to take off, they were informed that the plane was made by their own students..... they all quickly ran out of the plane leaving one man who was sitting confidently. Onlookers asked him why he was still in the airplane. He said: if indeed this airplane was made by our students, trust me it wont even start!

AKPOS HAS DONE IT AGAIN

One day Akpos was enjoying the sun at the beach.
A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?"
.
Akpos answered, "No, I am Akpos."
Another guy came and asked him the same
question.

Akpos answered, "No! No! Me Akpos!"

d third one came and asked him the same question
again.

Akpos was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the
sun. He went up to him and asked," Are you Relaxing?"


This guy was a lot more educated and answered,
"Yes, I am relaxing."


Akpos slapped him in his face and said,
"Stupidd, eediot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here.. . .
.
.
.the guy fell into instant coma

HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MAKING

A POLICEMAN

A policeman arrested a man for urinating in a prohibited place and fined him $50.The man gave the policeman $100 and the policeman told d man;I beg urinate one more time,coz I don't have change.

THE silly GUY AND THE DOCTOR

There was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said : "doctor i have a fever" the doctor said : "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine", the sick guy said : "but doctor,I only have 3 spoons what shall I do?"

IRONY ON FACEBOOK

IRONY ON FACEBOOK
Different updates and their
response
1. Am a saved man and I
love
going to church.
- 2 likes.
- 1 comment.
2. I know I will do well in my
studies
- 4 likes.
- 3 comments.
3. Tonight I must watch T.V
coz I
missed the previous
programmes
- 12 likes.
- 23 comments.
4. I had s.3x through the
entire
night but am still horný
- 72 likes.
- 127 comments

NO COMMENT

WHO IS THE BEST THIEF?

Mike and John entered a chocolate
shop. As they were busy looking at
John, Mike steals 3 chocolate bars.
After leaving the store Mike says to
John, "man, I'm the best thief ever, I
stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me,
U can'tbeat that" John replies, " you
want to see something better? lets go
back to the shop and I'll show you real
stealing" So they went to the counter
and John says to the shopkeeper, "Do
you want to see magic? Shopkeeper
replies, "yes! John says,"Ok, give me one
chocolate bar" The shopkeeper gave
him one, and he eats it. He asks for the
2nd and he eats it as well. He asks for
the 3rd and finishes that too. The
shopkeeper asks, "but where is the
magic? John replies, "Check in my
friends pocket and you'll find them!.

FATHER-IN-LAW

Father-In-Law : Young man, U’re coming to
seek my daughter’s hand in marriage and u’re
chewing gum.
That’s a sign of disrespect!
Man : Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or
smoke.
Father-In-Law : You mean u drink & smoke
and u’re here to seek my daughter’s hand in
marriage?
Man : Sir I only drink &smoke when i go to the
club.
Father-In-Law : U club too?
Man : I’m sorry sir, I started clubbing when i
came out of prison.
Father-In-Law : U’ve also been in prison
before? Oh my God!
Man : Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed
somebody!!.
Father-In-Law : What!!! U’re a killer
Man : Sir, It happened out of anger. It was a
certain man that didn’t allow me to marry his
daughter so i killed him.
Father-In-Law : U are highly welcome my son.
U are on the right track. U’re absolutely the
right Man for my Daughter

MARIE GIRL

A Lady asked her boyfriend " how much
do you love me?
Boy: I love you so much, can't
measure.......
Girl: No just tell me....
Boy: Okay I am like a phone and you are
my sim card, there's no me without
you......
Girl: aaaaaawww that is so romantic .......
(Boy says 2 himself) see Marie !! What if
I'm a china phone wit 3 sims card?

WHO'S AT FAULT?

boy was in a taxi eating chocolate,den he took another one, then a man next 2 him said
"Do you know that will damage your teeth". . The boy replied, "my grandfather lived 132 years"
The man asked "was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied ; "No, he was always minding his own business".

FAMILY PLANNING

VIDEO ( LAUGH AT YOUR OWN RISK)

WHO IS A CHILD OF GOD?

A man with an Ak 47 ran to a church & pointed d gun at d congregation
demanding "who is a child of God here, let me send him 2 heaven? D
congregation remained silent and he released one of d bullet on d roof.The
congregation shouted "Its d pastor, he always says that he is a child of
God" D pastor replied "what kind of conspiracy is this?" Everyone here knows that i am
the son of Philip & d grandson of Francis

I WON'T FORGET

I visited my Chinese Friend Dying in Hospital.
My Chinese Friend just kept Saying "CHIN YU
YAN" and He Died. I had to go to China to find
the meaning of my Friend's last Words. And I
found out that It means "U ARE STANDNG ON
THE OXYGEN TUBE!!!! "

KIM AND KANYE 10 YEARS TO COME

A BOY AND A GIRL IN A LIBRARY

A boy and a girl were in a very quiet library, the boy was asking the girl out,
The Girl replied in a very low voice: “guy leave me alone we’re in library”
The boy was still disturbing her too much, (in anger) the girl shouted very loudly to him, leave me alone eeeeeeh, all the people in the library were about to stare at the boy when the boy replied with a very loud voice, i won’t leave you alone you this demon inside this girl, get out now in Jesus name, and all people in the library shouted amen!!!

WOMAN AND SON

A woman was beating her son for
stealing. After thoroughly beating him,
she asked 'do you know where your
stealing will take you'. The son said yes
I know. Surprised, the mother asked
where? And the son replied - National
Assembly......

KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK TOO QUICK

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same
day, same time."

OVER SHARP GIRL!!

Husband & wife were arguing on who is d most Coward & Scared between dem. After a long argument, they decided to ask their 2 kids who they think was d most Coward & Scared between them. The first Kid (Junior)says: Dad is d most Coward cos, 1: "He's scared of women: Whenever he sees a Beautiful lady in town; He closes his one eye (i.e- WINKs @ d LADY)...... Wife realizing d meaning was very angry with her husband" The Second kid (faith)says: "dat is nothing My Daddy is not coward as our mummy becos, Mummy is so Scared (coward) to Sleep alone When DAD works Night shift, MUMMY Sleeps with d Man next door; Sometimes She invites d GARDENER or Uncle KINGSLEY to Sleep wit Her. Sometimes Uncle Mayowa d Youth Corper, after leaving ur room even escort her to the bathroom & bath with her just because she's scared. HUSBAND FAINTED IMMEDIATELY! —

DUMB WOMAN

A wife just buy a new sim card and decide to surprise her husband. She put the sim inside her phone and hide inside the kitchen to call him. She called "hello darling", Then the husband replied in a low tune "honey, I will call you back, the dumb woman is in the kitchen"

SILLY BOY

A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started
with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. ‘You can’t go home in this,’ said one of his friends, ‘ you’d better stay the
night.’
‘That’s very kind of you,’ said the boy. I’ll just run home and get my pyjamas."lol

AN INTELLIGENT FAMILY

One day,a mum called her child&asked him,4 x 4
and d boy said twelve.His mum started beating
him. Just then d dad came in and asked wat was
d problem,then d mum answerd"i asked him 4 x 4
and he doesn't know it",then d dad asked his
wife,"wat is the answer then"then d mum said its
10. Then d dad said
"GOD has saved you,i thought you didn't know

BAD HUSBAND

A TOURIST IN TANZANIA

A tourist asked a Tanzanian boat
driver,do u know
psychology,geography,geology&criminology.Boat
driver said no to all question.the
tourist then asked again ,what do
u know boat driver,u will die of
illiteracy,suddenly the boat started
sinking then the boat guy asked the
tourist.Do u know how
swimology,escapology away
from crocodielogy?the tourist
said,NO.boat guy said today you
will drownology ,crocodielogy
will eat u and u will dielogy.lol!!!

AMERICAN FAMILY VERSUS AFRICAN FAMILY

AMERICAN HOUSEHOLD:

Cynthia: throwing up
Mother: Oh my God! Cynthia, are you alright? You'll be staying home from school today. Just lie down and let me grab the medicine, honey.

 AFRICAN HOUSEHOLD:

Cynthia: throwing up
Mother: SIN-TEA-AH! SIN -*clap*-TEA-*clap*-AH! SO YOU AH PREGNANT?!? HEYYYYYYYY! ABOMINATION! THIS IS A LIE! MY EYES MUST BE CHEATING ME! SO YOU AH REALLY PREGNANT?!?!? I CANT BELIEVE! HEYYYY! GOD-O, -OOOO!

THE PASTOR AT THE DOOR

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his congregation. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was Unclad."

SMART LAWYER

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"my client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and i fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb".

"well put", the judge replied. "using your logic, i sentence the accused's arm to one year imprisonment. He can accompany it or not as he chooses".

The accused smiled.  with his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out!     

LITTLE FRANK BIEBER

SMART BOY

Frank got late to class and met the teacher at the door post.
Teacher: Why are u late?
Frank: A man lost $ 500
Teacher: Eeyah, so were you helping him to look for it?
Frank: Noooo!, I was standing on it, waiting for him to leave

NAUGHTY KIDS AND THEIR TEACHER

Teacher: Why did u laugh?
Boy: I saw 1 strip of ur bra.
Teacher: Get out of the class for one week.
2nd boy laughed.
Teacher: Why did u laugh?
Boy: I saw both strips.
Teacher: Get out for 1 month.
She bent down 2 take chalk. Little Johnny
started walking out.
Teacher: Johnny , why r u going out.?
Johnny: What I just saw, I think my school days
are over,

THE PILOT AND THE MADMEN

A plane was transporting a bunch of madmen from Tanzania to a well facilitated psychiatric in United States and they were making so much noise.
1 of the madmen enterz the Pilots cabin, MADMAN: Teach me how to fly a plane.
PILOT: I would but under 1 condition. MADMAN: Wat?
PILOT: I would teach u only if u can get ur friends to keep quiet.
MADMAN: OK. (5mins later the plane z very quiet).
PILOT; Wow, how did u get them to keep quiet?
MADMAN: I opened the door and told THEM to go play outside

Two gays and A Pastor

A pastor was joining two gays in marriage but didn't know how to pronounce them Husband and Wife. He thought about it for a while and yelled "I now pronounce you Man United!

EXPENSIVE JOKE

Father: "hey Son! Why is your mother sitting so silent today?"

Son: Nothing Dad.
She asked for lipstick and i heard 'Glue Stick"

Father: "God bless u my son!

I AM SAUD ARABIAN

I AM SAUDI !!!
A Little Girl, A Dog, A Saudi and A
Policeman!!

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull
dog .He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He
succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's
life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and
says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all
the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of
little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New
Yorker!"

"Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the
policeman answers. "But I am not an American!"
says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man
says: - "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspaper says: "Islamic
extremist kills innocent American dog".

RICH PEOPLE AND LIFE'S STYLE

 For all these rich people ooo. I went with a friend to visit his babe from a very rich family.The maid approached me & asked
MAID: what would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
ME:tea please.
MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea?
ME: Ceylon tea please.
MAID: how do u want it, black or white?
ME: white.
MAID: milk or fresh cream?
ME: with milk.
MAID: goat milk or cow milk?
ME: cow’s milk.
MAID: freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME: umm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.
MAID: would u like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
ME: sugar.
MAID: bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME: cane sugar.
MAID: white, brown or yellow sugar?
ME: abeg, forget about d tea,just give me a glass of water.
MAID: mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME: mineral water.
MAID: flavored or non flavored?
ME:Infact,get me an empty glass!
MAID: do u want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME: I beg, free me, i go swallow my spit.


This MAID  is gonna kill me oo

CRAZY COUPLE

A certain man & his wife quarreled. After the fight, the wife went into the bedroom. A few minutes later, the husband also trooped into the bedroom only to find the wife busy packing her suitcase! He asked "You are packing! Where are you going?" She answered "To my mother" The man paused for a while & also got his big brown pure leather suitcase & started packing his clothes. The wife angry stared, at him & said "You are packing! Where are you going?" He replied "Oh ya! I"m going to my mother!" The wife replied, "To your mother!! And what about the children! Who is going to look after them?" The man replied, "You are going to your mother! I'm going to my mother. So, the children should go to their mother !!!!!!

HOW JAPANESE TAKE THE PHOTOS

HOW JAPANESE TAKE PICTURE

HOW JAPANESE TAKE PICTURE