SMART BOY

Frank got late to class and met the teacher at the door post.
Teacher: Why are u late?
Frank: A man lost $ 500
Teacher: Eeyah, so were you helping him to look for it?
Frank: Noooo!, I was standing on it, waiting for him to leave

NAUGHTY KIDS AND THEIR TEACHER

Teacher: Why did u laugh?
Boy: I saw 1 strip of ur bra.
Teacher: Get out of the class for one week.
2nd boy laughed.
Teacher: Why did u laugh?
Boy: I saw both strips.
Teacher: Get out for 1 month.
She bent down 2 take chalk. Little Johnny
started walking out.
Teacher: Johnny , why r u going out.?
Johnny: What I just saw, I think my school days
are over,

THE PILOT AND THE MADMEN

A plane was transporting a bunch of madmen from Tanzania to a well facilitated psychiatric in United States and they were making so much noise.
1 of the madmen enterz the Pilots cabin, MADMAN: Teach me how to fly a plane.
PILOT: I would but under 1 condition. MADMAN: Wat?
PILOT: I would teach u only if u can get ur friends to keep quiet.
MADMAN: OK. (5mins later the plane z very quiet).
PILOT; Wow, how did u get them to keep quiet?
MADMAN: I opened the door and told THEM to go play outside

Two gays and A Pastor

A pastor was joining two gays in marriage but didn't know how to pronounce them Husband and Wife. He thought about it for a while and yelled "I now pronounce you Man United!

EXPENSIVE JOKE

Father: "hey Son! Why is your mother sitting so silent today?"

Son: Nothing Dad.
She asked for lipstick and i heard 'Glue Stick"

Father: "God bless u my son!

I AM SAUD ARABIAN

I AM SAUDI !!!
A Little Girl, A Dog, A Saudi and A
Policeman!!

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull
dog .He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He
succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's
life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and
says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all
the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of
little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New
Yorker!"

"Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the
policeman answers. "But I am not an American!"
says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man
says: - "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspaper says: "Islamic
extremist kills innocent American dog".

RICH PEOPLE AND LIFE'S STYLE

 For all these rich people ooo. I went with a friend to visit his babe from a very rich family.The maid approached me & asked
MAID: what would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
ME:tea please.
MAID: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea?
ME: Ceylon tea please.
MAID: how do u want it, black or white?
ME: white.
MAID: milk or fresh cream?
ME: with milk.
MAID: goat milk or cow milk?
ME: cow’s milk.
MAID: freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME: umm, lemme go with d freezeland cow.
MAID: would u like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
ME: sugar.
MAID: bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME: cane sugar.
MAID: white, brown or yellow sugar?
ME: abeg, forget about d tea,just give me a glass of water.
MAID: mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME: mineral water.
MAID: flavored or non flavored?
ME:Infact,get me an empty glass!
MAID: do u want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME: I beg, free me, i go swallow my spit.


This MAID  is gonna kill me oo

CRAZY COUPLE

A certain man & his wife quarreled. After the fight, the wife went into the bedroom. A few minutes later, the husband also trooped into the bedroom only to find the wife busy packing her suitcase! He asked "You are packing! Where are you going?" She answered "To my mother" The man paused for a while & also got his big brown pure leather suitcase & started packing his clothes. The wife angry stared, at him & said "You are packing! Where are you going?" He replied "Oh ya! I"m going to my mother!" The wife replied, "To your mother!! And what about the children! Who is going to look after them?" The man replied, "You are going to your mother! I'm going to my mother. So, the children should go to their mother !!!!!!

HOW JAPANESE TAKE THE PHOTOS

HOW JAPANESE TAKE PICTURE

HOW JAPANESE TAKE PICTURE

HOW JAPANESE TAKE PICTURE

HOW JAPANESE TAKE PICTURE

A POOR MAN

A man who has suffered so much because of poverty was tired of life and wanted to kill himself so he decided he would die by a train accident. The next morning, he got up from his bed, wore his clothes without eating anything and went to the railway, he never knew that the train drivers
were on strike. He stood in the middle of the rails and waited from morning until evening, no train came so he was very 'TIRED and HUNGRY'. He then said: ''Let me quickly go home and eat before HUNGER will KILL ME here''.

AT THE SUPERMARKET ( SMART WOMAN)

Remembering A Child

A young man was walking into a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed of an old woman following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me", she said, " I am sorry if my staring at you made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son that died recently".
"I am very sorry", the young man replied, "Is there anything I can do for you."
"Yes", she said, "As i'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother!'? It'll make me feel much better."
"Sure" answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out "Goodbye, Mother!".
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he found out that his bill total is $  250
"How can that be?", he asked, "I only purchased a few things".
"Your mother said that you would pay for her!" said the clerk.

BIRTHDAY GIFT

BOYFRIEND- happy birthday sweetie.
Girl- thank you so much
baby...so wats about
my birthday gift?
BOYFRIEND- (pointing ==> )
can you see that red BMW parked over there? Girl- Oh my God!....yes....
yes...yes...i cant believe this...
BOYFRIEND- i bought you
a toothbrush of the same colour...
Girl- go out,your good for nothing,
you! Bastard!...

A LADY'S INBOX Vs A GUY'S INBOX

A LADY'S INBOX:
1..I love u dear (Bello)
2..Can i take u out tonite? (Ben)
3..I always feel bad when I see u with another man
(Frank)
4.. Sweetie don't forget da trip (MD)
5..Darling, have u seen da credit I sent u? (Collins)
6..Honey, I will do whatever it takes just for u to be by
my side (Evans)
7..Consider it done (Senator)
8..Baby, check ur a/c balance and call me back (Chairman)




A GUY'S INBOX:
1..UR data bundle will soon expire (MTN)
2..Hey dude, give me a break! I told u am married
(Jane)
3..Don't dare call me again, cheat (Patricia)
4..Am warning u, let this month not be a story telling
event like the last 3 months (Landlord)
5..Brother am still expecting da money for da school fees(Junior bros)
6..Please send chop money quick,
hunger is killing us ( grand mother)
7. Please send da USD 1500  quick for
da appendix operation or u can keep and use it for my
burial (dad )
8..I have not seen my period for 3 weeks (Neighbour's
daughter).

LAUGHING COOK

"Customer in a hotel: Waiter, this
soup tastes funny!
Waiter: Oh!, the chef must have
been laughing when he prepared
it sir.

MAN AND BOY

MAN: Boy, wats ur dad's name?
BOY: His name is LAUGHING.
MAN: And ur mother's name?
BOY: SMILING.
MAN: You must b kidding?
BOY: No, that's my brother , I'm JOKING!!!!

Have A Nice Week End,Love U All

A MAN AND HIS WIFE

A man buys a set of pants for his wife while
returning from a trip and shows it to her. The
woman says,
"My boss will complain that I
wear the same pant everyday".
Husband Faints.

I CALL IT TRUE LOVE

The Reason Why I'm Single And Not Searching

TEACHER AND STUDENT

Teacher Wants to Test John' IQ ....
Teacher: John, what is a Period?
John: I don't know the meaning Sir. But I am
very sure it is very dangerous.
Teacher: Why John?
John: because when my sister said that she
didn’t see her period for 5 months, my mum
fainted, my dad got a heart attack and our
driver ran away….I don’t think Period is a good thing.

TEACHER AND STUDENT......

Teacher :- Marie What Would You Choose
Between Brain And Money?
Marie:- Money
Teacher :- I would prefer Brain
Marie:- Well Everybody prefers what they
don't have =D

In a Art Lesson,Teacher: Don't copy from your neighbour just draw what u see

JOKES 1

One day a man came back early from his office. He was shocked to see his wife with another man - Robert. He told his wife to go out of the room. Then he said to Robert, "what are you doing here?"Robert replied "I love your wife & she loves me too.” To this the man said "I know that my wife loves me & not you." After a long conversation they decided "we'll hold our guns & fire at each other &pretend to be dead. She will mourn for the guy she loves the most & the other person will get out of their lives."The wife heard the gunshots, she came into the room, shocked and surprised, stood staring at both the dead bodies. Suddenly she started laughing out loudly, rejoicing and shouted "Brian get out of that wardrobe, these 2 idiots are dead now!”

JOKES 2

A man was going for a trip & the wife packed him clothes in a bag.
When he was about to leave, the wife gave him a box of condoms
and said, "honey take this maybe you might be tempted."
The husband with a bold smile said, "thanks honey".
When he got into a car, a wife came running,
"give me some condoms, I might also be tempted whilst you are away.

JOKES 3

Jim had 4 children. The Government announced that if u have 5 children u will be given a monthly grant of $5 000.
Then Jim confessed to his wife, "I have another child from my girlfriend, l’m bringing him home."
But when he returned he was amazed to see just 2 children remaining.
He asked his wife, "Where are the other 2 kids?"
She replied "U were not the only person to hear this announcement!

SMART GIRL

Boy: Fine girl am Peter, wats ur name?
Girl: Cool, am Stella.
Boy: My
number is 08031234567 can I have
urs?.
Girl: Ok, 00990087762278
Boy: Is it an international number?
Girl: No, dats my account number, save it with Stella John, BARCLAYS. When I get an
alert on my phone, I wil call u!
Lol,

FACEBOOK

A guy felt so happy over the recent developments in his life that he can't help but to express it through facebook. So he updated his status with 'wow, am so happy that all my salary and allowance plus my xmas bonus have been paid'. A few minutes later he recieved a notification alert saying: (i) his landlord 'likes' his status and (ii) his girlfriend 'poked' him,

A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look, at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him nomatter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which his wiferesponds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. Itold him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

THE THIEF AND THE MAD MAN

A thief broke into a mad man's
house & stole a tv.: He took off &
started running, the mad man also
ran after him. The faster he ran, the
faster the mad man also ran after
him. Finally he got tired &
stopped, the mad man also stopped and
 told him "Take this, u forgot the
remote"

AMERICAN GIRL,FRENCH GIRL & AFRICAN GIRL

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful bre.asts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"

TESTIMONY TIME

In the church. Pastor shouted "testimony time" the pastor's daughter of age 16 raised her hand and came out of the congregation with joy....shouting "praise the lord" and 'halleluyah" she preceeded, " since the tender age of 13 i have been experiencing monthly period with so much pains, but now after series of bible study and prayer sessions with Bro Ken, our powerful Sunday school teacher. just one night with him, my monthly periods have ceased for more than 3months now. you can see am getting fatter and prettier now, no monthly pains again. somebody join me and shout halleluyah" the pastor fainted!