One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
The husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "You know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose All your friends."
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
NEVER TAKE A WIFE TO YOUR JOINT
A man went to his local pub with his wife. When he left for the counter, a prostitute approached his wife and whispered quickly to her ear,
"You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him...He doesn't pay!!!"
"You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him...He doesn't pay!!!"
NINE A.M
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
HUSBAND VS WIFE
An Angry Wife said To Her Husband on Phone: "Where the Hell Are You ... ?"
Husband:Darling You Remember That Jewelry Shop Where You Saw the Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "
Wife:, With A Smile & Blushing,Yeah I Remember That My Love !
Husband:I'm In The bar next to it
Husband:Darling You Remember That Jewelry Shop Where You Saw the Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "
Wife:, With A Smile & Blushing,Yeah I Remember That My Love !
Husband:I'm In The bar next to it
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
WOMEN ARE REALLY SMART
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass on, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass on, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
I LIKE THE WAY U THINK
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing
math problems when his teacher picked
him to answer a question, "Johnny, if
there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left?" "None," replied
Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the
teacher, "but I like the way you're
thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for
you. If there were three women eating
ice cream cones in a shop, one was
licking her cone, the second was biting
her cone and the third was sucking her
cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I
guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with
the wedding ring on her finger, but I
like the way you're thinking."
math problems when his teacher picked
him to answer a question, "Johnny, if
there were five birds sitting on a fence
and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left?" "None," replied
Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the
teacher, "but I like the way you're
thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for
you. If there were three women eating
ice cream cones in a shop, one was
licking her cone, the second was biting
her cone and the third was sucking her
cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I
guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with
the wedding ring on her finger, but I
like the way you're thinking."
Friday, October 14, 2011
SHOULD WE WORRY?
In a second grade class, a little girl asks, Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?
How old is your mother, dear? Asks the teacher.
Forty. She replies.
Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant?
Well, dear, how old is your sister?
The little girl answers, Nineteen.
Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks: Can I get pregnant?
How old are you, dear?
The little girl answers, I'm seven years old.
No, dear, you can't get pregnant...
Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, see, I told you we had nothing to worry about.
How old is your mother, dear? Asks the teacher.
Forty. She replies.
Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant?
Well, dear, how old is your sister?
The little girl answers, Nineteen.
Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.
The little girl then asks: Can I get pregnant?
How old are you, dear?
The little girl answers, I'm seven years old.
No, dear, you can't get pregnant...
Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, see, I told you we had nothing to worry about.
FIRST DIVORCE RESULTING FROM SEPT 11 ATTACK
This was taken from an actual article in a New York paper about the first divorce directly resulting from the Sept 11th attack on the World Trade Centre.
The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York.
It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his cell phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either.
When he turned his cell phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife who said, "Are you OK? Where are you?".
He said, "What do mean? I'm in my office of course!"
The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York.
It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his cell phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either.
When he turned his cell phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife who said, "Are you OK? Where are you?".
He said, "What do mean? I'm in my office of course!"
Monday, October 10, 2011
SORRY,WRONG NUMBER!!!!!!!!
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
I don't have one
Is this 486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!=)) lool..
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?
I don't have one
Is this 486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!=)) lool..
Thursday, October 6, 2011
4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS
ONE NIGHT 4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL
LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE EXAM WHICH WAS
SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.
IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE
THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH
GREASE AND DIRT.
THEN THEY WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD
GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN
THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE
CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.
THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN
HAVE THE RE - TEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL
BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE
DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL
FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR
THE TEST.
THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST
THREE DAYS.
THE TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF
100 MARKS.
Q .1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAME ----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the
wedding you
attended 4 days ago-----(30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre.------(20 Marks)
Q. 4 . WHICH TYRE BURST ------- ( 28 marks )
Q.5. Who was driving----------(20 marks)
What do think the answers will be???
I need your comments.....
LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE EXAM WHICH WAS
SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.
IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE
THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH
GREASE AND DIRT.
THEN THEY WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD
GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN
THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE
CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.
THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN
HAVE THE RE - TEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL
BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE
DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL
FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR
THE TEST.
THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST
THREE DAYS.
THE TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF
100 MARKS.
Q .1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAME ----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the
wedding you
attended 4 days ago-----(30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre.------(20 Marks)
Q. 4 . WHICH TYRE BURST ------- ( 28 marks )
Q.5. Who was driving----------(20 marks)
What do think the answers will be???
I need your comments.....
FOR THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED
CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what
you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.
#CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I
married the wrong man."
#CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is
finished.
#CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's status.
#CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying for it."
#CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
#CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and then it was too late."
#CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes
#CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
#CASE 10
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.
#CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
#CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he
received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have
mine."
#CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
#CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire. "
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman
replied, "A Billionaire. "
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what
you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.
#CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I
married the wrong man."
#CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is
finished.
#CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's status.
#CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying for it."
#CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
#CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married, and then it was too late."
#CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes
#CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?
#CASE 10
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbors listen.
#CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
#CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he
received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have
mine."
#CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
#CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire. "
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman
replied, "A Billionaire. "
PHONE CALL
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27.
the receptionist goes, checks the room, come back to the phone and tells him that there is no one in that room. The room is empty.
Good, says the man. that means i have really escaped...!
the receptionist goes, checks the room, come back to the phone and tells him that there is no one in that room. The room is empty.
Good, says the man. that means i have really escaped...!
THE BEST EVER!!!!!!!
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight...
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes in to 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight...
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes in to 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
Mother was scolding the daughter, "i don't like the guy you are going out with. he is too dumb".
"No, momma," she said, "he is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that i used to have every month"
"No, momma," she said, "he is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that i used to have every month"
DO YOU HAVE THIS?
A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl and asked "Do U have this?"
The girl lifted up her skirt and said," My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"
The girl lifted up her skirt and said," My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"
CLEVER NEWS REPORTER
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly...
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly...
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
WHO SAID CAR NAMES DON'T HAVE A MEANING?
BMW __________Brings Me Women
FIAT__________Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD__________For Only Rough Drivers
HYUNDAI ______Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And
Inexpensive.
VOLVO__________Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE________Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
KIA__________Kills In Accidents
OPEL__________Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA_______The One You Only Trust, Always
GOLF/GTI______Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA________Hanged Over, Now Driving Away
FIAT__________Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD__________For Only Rough Drivers
HYUNDAI ______Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And
Inexpensive.
VOLVO__________Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE________Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
KIA__________Kills In Accidents
OPEL__________Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA_______The One You Only Trust, Always
GOLF/GTI______Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA________Hanged Over, Now Driving Away
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A HUSBAND AND A WIFE
A husband working abroad wrote to his wife ...
Dear Sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month. The global market crises has affected me, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.
Your loving husband.
His wife replied ...
Sweetheart, Dearest, Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses I paid with the kisses ...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect us only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the house rent
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items - hope you
understand.
5. Other expenses - 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan the same for next month? Please Advice.
Dear Sweetheart, I can't send my salary this month. The global market crises has affected me, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart.
Your loving husband.
His wife replied ...
Sweetheart, Dearest, Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses I paid with the kisses ...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect us only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the house rent
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items - hope you
understand.
5. Other expenses - 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan the same for next month? Please Advice.
YOU WILL NEVER WIN WITH POLICE IF THEY WANT BRIBERY
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint.
The obviously soaked police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.
The policeman had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him.
Guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the night, if you happen to get an accident now, who is going to tell your people?"
The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel,
Angel Raphael, Angel Michael and five angels are with me here.
The policeman said: "All these people inside this small car of yours?
I charge you for overloading!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The obviously soaked police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.
The policeman had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him.
Guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the night, if you happen to get an accident now, who is going to tell your people?"
The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel,
Angel Raphael, Angel Michael and five angels are with me here.
The policeman said: "All these people inside this small car of yours?
I charge you for overloading!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE PERFECT SON
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday
WHO WAS SLEEPING WITH MOMY WHEN U WERE AWAY!
Kid: daddy I need more money!
Daddy: I have no more left!
Kid: Then I won't tell you who was sleeping with momy when you were gone.
Daddy: Take 100 Dollar
Daddy: Ok, son, tell me who was that one!
Kid: It is me dady!when are you travelling again? I enjoy sleeping in your nice bedroom with mom!
Daddy: I have no more left!
Kid: Then I won't tell you who was sleeping with momy when you were gone.
Daddy: Take 100 Dollar
Daddy: Ok, son, tell me who was that one!
Kid: It is me dady!when are you travelling again? I enjoy sleeping in your nice bedroom with mom!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
IS THIS TRUE?
WHY AFRICA IS 25 YEARS BEHIND THE DEVELOPED WORLD.....
AFRICAN LEADERS
Abdulai Wade age 83
Hosni Mubarak ( Egypt ) age 82
Robert Mugabe ( Zimbabwe ) age 86
Hifikepunye Pohamba ( Namibia ) age 74
Rupiah Banda ( Zambia ) age 73
Mwai Kibaki ( Kenya ) age 71
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf ( Liberia ) age 75
Colonel Gaddafi (Libya) age 68
Jacob Zuma (South Africa) age 68
Bingu Wa Mtalika (Malawi) age 76
____________ __________________
Average Age: 75.6 ~ Approximately 76 years
____________ __________________
THE FIRST WORLD LEADERS
Barrack Obama (USA) age 48
David Cameron (UK) age 43
Dimitri Medvedev (Russia) age 45
Stephen Harper (Canada) age 51
Julia Gillard (Australia) age 49
Nicolas Sarkozy (France) age 55
Luis Zapatero (Spain) age 49
Jose Socrates (Portugal) age 53
Angela Merkel ( Germany ) age 56
Herman Van Rompuy ( Belgium ) age 62
____________ __________________
Average Age: 51.1 ~ Approximately 51 years
____________ __________________
___________ __________________
DIFFERENCE: 25 years
____________ __________________
GUYS, HOW DO WE MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS OLD SQUAD...?
AFRICAN LEADERS
Abdulai Wade age 83
Hosni Mubarak ( Egypt ) age 82
Robert Mugabe ( Zimbabwe ) age 86
Hifikepunye Pohamba ( Namibia ) age 74
Rupiah Banda ( Zambia ) age 73
Mwai Kibaki ( Kenya ) age 71
Ellen Johnson Sirleaf ( Liberia ) age 75
Colonel Gaddafi (Libya) age 68
Jacob Zuma (South Africa) age 68
Bingu Wa Mtalika (Malawi) age 76
____________ __________________
Average Age: 75.6 ~ Approximately 76 years
____________ __________________
THE FIRST WORLD LEADERS
Barrack Obama (USA) age 48
David Cameron (UK) age 43
Dimitri Medvedev (Russia) age 45
Stephen Harper (Canada) age 51
Julia Gillard (Australia) age 49
Nicolas Sarkozy (France) age 55
Luis Zapatero (Spain) age 49
Jose Socrates (Portugal) age 53
Angela Merkel ( Germany ) age 56
Herman Van Rompuy ( Belgium ) age 62
____________ __________________
Average Age: 51.1 ~ Approximately 51 years
____________ __________________
___________ __________________
DIFFERENCE: 25 years
____________ __________________
GUYS, HOW DO WE MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS OLD SQUAD...?
MY FIRST TIME DOING IT
MY FIRST TIME
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came..
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
Saturday, October 1, 2011
ME OR ATM MACHINE?
A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The
Problem was who
Should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honour. I brought the child into
this world with pain and labour. She should be in mycustody."
The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in
your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honour, if I put my ATM card into a cash dispensing machine and
the cash comes out...whose cash is it?...The machine's or mine?"
Problem was who
Should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honour. I brought the child into
this world with pain and labour. She should be in mycustody."
The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in
your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honour, if I put my ATM card into a cash dispensing machine and
the cash comes out...whose cash is it?...The machine's or mine?"
EMAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD
Dear Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too
.
Love, your Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too
.
Love, your Dad
WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
OBAMA: Because, YES IT CAN!
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: ... I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives being called into
question.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
OPRAH/ TYRA: Why does a chicken cross a road? Was it molested while still a
chick? I mean, what kind of upbringing did it have? We need to invite the
chicken to a share with us what happened
OSAMA BIN LADEN: This was an unprovoked act by the infidels and zionist
forces, we will avenge with suicide bombers!!
GEORGE W. BUSH (2): The chicken is either with us or it is against us.
There is no middle ground here.
ANY KENYAN POLITICIAN: "From which tribe is the chicken? Our community has
been marginalized for far too long – others have had their chance and it is
now the turn of our chicken to eat!"
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road
perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight
line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced
reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken's motion
NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing
the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.
ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white
farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road
to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war
veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the
roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution
from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop
until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross
them.
RAILA ODINGA: Both me and President Kibaki had been telephoned about the
chicken. Si sisi iko na demokrasia na tunataka wacha kuku apite, sio? Si
kuku tosha?! It is even in the agreement between me and Kibaki. Lazima
ipite, nimesema hivyo hii asubuhi. I have exclusive powers on this!
EMILIO MWAI KIBAKI: Kuku ilivuka pale pale, ikienda huko huko........ na
hilo ndio jambo la maana ....hakuna mambo ingine!...hakunaaaa .....na
tutakataa namna gani ati kuku isivuke barabara ...hatuweziii ..na hao
wanaendelea kuongea mambo ya kukuuu....ni wapumbavuuu. .. .....mavi ya hiyo
kuku!!! That is unconstitutional. Na irundi kule itokako.
HOW FAR CAN YOU TRUST A FRIEND?
Mutua left to go help in the Crusades and decided that his wife mueni should wear a chastity belt. (Steel underwear) So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend, mogaka. He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."
So,mutua leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees mogaka.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
Mogaka replies, "You gave me the wrong key!"
So,mutua leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees mogaka.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
Mogaka replies, "You gave me the wrong key!"
MARRIAGE JOKES
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
INTRODUCTION
3 guys were introduced 2 a girl,
Hi I'm Peter not a saint,
Hi I'm Paul not a pope,
I'm John not a baptist,
The girl said hi
I'm Mary not a virgin!
Hi I'm Peter not a saint,
Hi I'm Paul not a pope,
I'm John not a baptist,
The girl said hi
I'm Mary not a virgin!
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Of course not!"
WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."
WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"
HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."
WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"
WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."
WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"
HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."
WIFE: (silence)
HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"
HUSBAND: "Of course not!"
WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."
WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"
HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."
WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"
WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."
WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"
HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."
WIFE: (silence)
HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"
NEVER LIE TO YOUR BOSS
BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?
EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There 's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, He came here looking for you .!"
EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There 's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, He came here looking for you .!"
WIFE TO HUSBAND
Wife to husband- "U dont Luv Me at all.." Husband points towards their five children and says- "do u think I downloaded them from google"?
WIFE AND GIRLFRIEND
Wife is like a TV,
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE.
At home u watch TV,
But when u go out u take ur MOBILE.
Sometimes u enjoy TV,
But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.
TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.
Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.
TV has a remote,
MOBILE doesn't.
Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),
But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).
Last but not least ..
TVs don't have viruses,
But MOBILEs often do!
A SAD STORY
There was a Blind girl who hated her self just because she was blind,She hated every one,Except her loving boyfriend,He was always there for her,She said if she could only see the world she would marry her boyfriend.One day someone donated a pair of eyes to her and she could see world
HER BOYFRIEND ASKED:-Now that she could see the world,Would she MARRY HIM?
The girl was shocked when she saw that he was blind too and refused to marry him. He walked away in tears and later on wrote a letter to her saying.JUST TAKE CARE OF MY EYES DEAR.
This is how humans change when their status changes.
HER BOYFRIEND ASKED:-Now that she could see the world,Would she MARRY HIM?
The girl was shocked when she saw that he was blind too and refused to marry him. He walked away in tears and later on wrote a letter to her saying.JUST TAKE CARE OF MY EYES DEAR.
This is how humans change when their status changes.
FAMILY PROBLEMS
Two men, one Tanzanian and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking a few beers
The Indian man said to the Tanzanian, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village back in India whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'
The Tanzanian said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted….
The Indian man said to the Tanzanian, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village back in India whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'
The Tanzanian said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted….
HUSBAND AND PREGNANT WIFE
A pregnant wife told her husband to sleep on the floor to avoid contacts that may stimulate him and cause the unexpected. While the poor husband was curled down on the floor the wife looked at him and felt sorry for him. She woke him up and told him
"Listen take this 50 thousand and go to the girl next door and have sx with her,but never ever do it again."
The husband thinking she may change her mind took the money quickly and ran outside,but he returned a few minutes with the 50 in his hand. The wife asked "what happened,why do you still have the money?"
"I couldn't do it Lucy said she wants 80"
The wife said
"That b*tch,when she was pregnant i helped her husband for 50 now she...."
'WHAT DID YOU SAY!'
"Listen take this 50 thousand and go to the girl next door and have sx with her,but never ever do it again."
The husband thinking she may change her mind took the money quickly and ran outside,but he returned a few minutes with the 50 in his hand. The wife asked "what happened,why do you still have the money?"
"I couldn't do it Lucy said she wants 80"
The wife said
"That b*tch,when she was pregnant i helped her husband for 50 now she...."
'WHAT DID YOU SAY!'
OSAMA IN HEAVEN
Bin laden arrives in heaven and meets God and he was required to account for his life in the world, God decided he would give him a choice, so he told him; ''will you go to hell or USA?
FATHER AND SON
"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father".
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father".
Friday, September 16, 2011
children in the dark
Teacher: now give me the opposite meaning of this sentence " children in the dark make mistakes "
Juan : Mistakes in the dark make children!!
Juan : Mistakes in the dark make children!!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
KIDS ARE QUICK AND SMART
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
THE INNOCENT PRAYER IN THE EASTER
We had visitors at dinner time. It was time for them to leave when our daughter Maureen offered to lead us in prayer;
"Dear God,
I thank you for giving me such lovable parents,
Thank you for the visitors and their children who ate all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so that they shall never have to come to our home for supper. Forgive the boy who was wrestling with my sister on her bed and this naughty girl for eating sausage on my brother’s pants as he slept on the settee, and this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone, & build shelter to the homeless men who sleep with mum when dad is at work ..…Amen."
"Dear God,
I thank you for giving me such lovable parents,
Thank you for the visitors and their children who ate all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so that they shall never have to come to our home for supper. Forgive the boy who was wrestling with my sister on her bed and this naughty girl for eating sausage on my brother’s pants as he slept on the settee, and this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone, & build shelter to the homeless men who sleep with mum when dad is at work ..…Amen."
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
THIEF-CATCHER MACHINE
Scientists in the United States of America invented a machine that catches
thieves and took it out to different
countries for a test:
* USA , in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
* Zimbabwe, in 20 minutes it caught 2000 thieves,
* Tanzania , in 10 minutes it caught 600 thieves,
* Kenya, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen!
thieves and took it out to different
countries for a test:
* USA , in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
* Zimbabwe, in 20 minutes it caught 2000 thieves,
* Tanzania , in 10 minutes it caught 600 thieves,
* Kenya, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen!
THE NEXT QUESTION
Teacher: Whoever Answers My Next Question Can Go Home.
A Boy Throws His Bag Out Through The Window.
Teacher: Who Threw The Bag ?
Boy: Me................I'm Going Home
A Boy Throws His Bag Out Through The Window.
Teacher: Who Threw The Bag ?
Boy: Me................I'm Going Home
COMPLETE AND FINISHED
Many people think complete and finished have the same meaning,read below:
Marry the right person and you are complete.
Marry the wrong person and you are finished.
Marry the right person and you are complete.
Marry the wrong person and you are finished.
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER ARGUMENT
Mother said to her daugher;'didn't i tell you if a guy touches your boobs say DONT! and if he touches your private parts say STOP.'
Daughter replied,' but mom he touched both so i said DONT STOP.'
Daughter replied,' but mom he touched both so i said DONT STOP.'
HOW DO U CONTROL YOUR ANGER?
Dad to son: When I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush.
Son: I start cleaning toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush.
ONE SPELLING MISTAKE CAN DESTROY YOUR LIFE
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to
add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish u were her....!
add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish u were her....!
DO U KNOW THE MEANING OF WIFE?
Husband: It means...Without Information Fighting Everytime! or...Worries invited for ever
Wife : it could also mean-With Idiot For Ever.A MAN DESCRIBES HIS WIFE
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said , Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'
He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!!
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said , Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'
He said-- I'm Just Kidding---!!!
I MUST CONFESS
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work'
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work'
NEVER VISIT RICH PEOPLE
Reasons why I never visit rich people !!
Question: "What would U like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please…"
Question: " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : " Ceylon tea.. "
Question : "How would U like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk …… "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk ?"
Answer: "With cow milk PLEASE"...
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow, or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Ummm, I'll take it black then…"
Question: " Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar!!!!!"
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "LISTEN,, Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead PLEASE……..."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'LL RATHER DIE OF THIRST"….. just leave me ALONE..... !!!!!!!!!!!
Question: "What would U like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please…"
Question: " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : " Ceylon tea.. "
Question : "How would U like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk …… "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk ?"
Answer: "With cow milk PLEASE"...
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow, or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Ummm, I'll take it black then…"
Question: " Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar!!!!!"
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "LISTEN,, Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead PLEASE……..."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'LL RATHER DIE OF THIRST"….. just leave me ALONE..... !!!!!!!!!!!
LOOK ON HOW ENGINEER APPROACH A GIRL
An engineer proposing to a lady.................
"Hi dear!
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute
circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes,
standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a
vector of a particular magnitude from your eyes at a
deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart,
my heart differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real
roots, which only you can solve by making good binary
relation with me.
The tangent of my love for you extends to infinity. I
promise that I should not resolve you into partial
fractions but if I do so, you can integrate me by
applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to aset.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute
personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant
on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle
of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved
polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima
and minima, of an unknown function. You make my heart
pump like a turbo diesel engine"
" Who still say engineers cannot charm ladies?????
"Hi dear!
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute
circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes,
standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a
vector of a particular magnitude from your eyes at a
deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart,
my heart differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real
roots, which only you can solve by making good binary
relation with me.
The tangent of my love for you extends to infinity. I
promise that I should not resolve you into partial
fractions but if I do so, you can integrate me by
applying the limits from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to aset.
The geometry of my life revolves around your acute
personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant
on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle
of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved
polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima
and minima, of an unknown function. You make my heart
pump like a turbo diesel engine"
" Who still say engineers cannot charm ladies?????
A COMPUTER ADDICT
A computer addict falling from the roof of a building shouting
'F1' 'F1' 'F1'
instead of 'Help' 'Help' 'Help'
'F1' 'F1' 'F1'
instead of 'Help' 'Help' 'Help'
DOCTOR TO HIS LADY PATIENT
Doctor; u look soo weak & exhausted! Are u taking ur meals 3times a day as I advised? Lady; I thought 3 males a day.
HONEY,SEND ME......!!!!!
girl texting lover :
if u are dreaming,send me ur dream, if ur crying,send me ur tears, if ur laughing, send me ur laughter,.
lover replies,.am in the toilet,shud i send u some...??
if u are dreaming,send me ur dream, if ur crying,send me ur tears, if ur laughing, send me ur laughter,.
lover replies,.am in the toilet,shud i send u some...??
BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE
Before Marriage...
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage...
Read it from bottom to top!
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage...
Read it from bottom to top!
COINCIDENCE IN A MARTENITY HOSPITAL
Three men were in the martenity hospital waiting room when the nurse rushed in and said to the first man,
"Sir, you're the father of twins.""Hey! Isn't that a coincidence!" he replied. "I'm a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
Later, the nurse came in and said to the second man, "Sir, you're the father of triplets."
"Gee!" the man exclaimed. "Another coincidence! I work with the 3M Company."
Listing to his fellows coincidences, the third man dropped down fainted. It was found that he was working for 7-UP!"
COINCIDENCE IN A MARTENITY HOSPITAL
Three men were in the martenity hospital waiting room when the nurse rushed in and said to the first man,
"Sir, you're the father of twins.""Hey! Isn't that a coincidence!" he replied. "I'm a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
Later, the nurse came in and said to the second man, "Sir, you're the father of triplets."
"Gee!" the man exclaimed. "Another coincidence! I work with the 3M Company."
Listinig to his fellows coincidences, the third man dropped down fainted. It was found that he was working for 7-UP!"
CUTE ANSWER
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."
"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."
"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.
MAN AND HIS WIFE
Man went to a pub with his wife. When he left for the counter a prostitute approached his wife & whispered "DEMAND CASH B4 SEX," he doesn't PAY!
The wife gets angry and starts shouting at the unfaithful husband for going out with prostitutes. The husband advises the wife that they leave the pub and go home to sort out the problem.
They book a cab but on the way the wife continues shouting and the Taxi driver stops and tells the man, "You, every time you book my taxi you always argue with your prostitutes, get out of my car" THE WIFE GOT MAD.THEHUSBAND COLLAPSED.
...this is the reason why husbands don't want to spend with wives in bars/nightclub etc.....
The wife gets angry and starts shouting at the unfaithful husband for going out with prostitutes. The husband advises the wife that they leave the pub and go home to sort out the problem.
They book a cab but on the way the wife continues shouting and the Taxi driver stops and tells the man, "You, every time you book my taxi you always argue with your prostitutes, get out of my car" THE WIFE GOT MAD.THEHUSBAND COLLAPSED.
...this is the reason why husbands don't want to spend with wives in bars/nightclub etc.....
EXTRA OFFICE WORK
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge.
EXTA OFFICE WORK
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge.
JOB APPLICATION OF THE YEAR
Dear Sir/Madam,
I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager. Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more. It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine,the company no longer has to pay his retirement funds.
The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbour and it will be easy for me to simply jump over the Durawall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' licence as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 will also be handed over to me. And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amiable qualities that speak for themselves.I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. For that sir, I will be sending my pictures taken whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed. As for my referees, well the same dead manager was my referee so we can safely skip that part.I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known.
Yours ever smiling even in tough times like Funeral.
Eng. Gairey Omole
I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager. Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more. It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine,the company no longer has to pay his retirement funds.
The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbour and it will be easy for me to simply jump over the Durawall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' licence as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 will also be handed over to me. And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amiable qualities that speak for themselves.I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. For that sir, I will be sending my pictures taken whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed. As for my referees, well the same dead manager was my referee so we can safely skip that part.I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known.
Yours ever smiling even in tough times like Funeral.
Eng. Gairey Omole
8 QUALITIES OF A PERFECT HUSBAND
Brave,
Intelligent,
Gentle,
Polite,
Energetic,
Nutty,
Industrious,
Sensitive.
And if all else falls, read the Capital Letters Only
Intelligent,
Gentle,
Polite,
Energetic,
Nutty,
Industrious,
Sensitive.
And if all else falls, read the Capital Letters Only
ENGINEER AND HIS WIFE
A qualified Engineer married an educated girl!!
After two years of having tough life with her, the engineer got angry and send a note to his father inlaw :YOUR PRODUCT DOES NOT MEET MY REQUIREMENTS:
The smart father in law replied 2, YEARS OF WARRANY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE!!!
After two years of having tough life with her, the engineer got angry and send a note to his father inlaw :YOUR PRODUCT DOES NOT MEET MY REQUIREMENTS:
The smart father in law replied 2, YEARS OF WARRANY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE!!!
MATANI YA WAKENYA
Matani ya Wakenya
Matani ya Wakenya ...... 1. Ati wee ni m-black mpaka ukiingia kwa dinga, dirisha zinakuwa tinted!
2. Kwenu kuchafu mpaka mende zinatema mate, ati ‘THU’ hii hao (HOUSE) ni noma.
3. Vile wewe mfupi, ukipigwa picha ya passport inatokea full.
4. Kwenu nyi wakristu hata dogi zenu zikiona mwizi anaiba, zinawaambia “wee iba tu Mungu
anakuona.”
5. Ati hao(house) yenu ina gate lakini hakuna fence.
6. We' ni mshort mpaka ukikalia kwa pavement(sakafuni) miguu ina hang kwa hewa.
7. We mjinga mpaka ulifail blood test.
8. Wewe ni mblack mpaka mosquito ikitaka kukuuma lazima itumie torch.
9. We ni mrefu mpaka ukikunywa maziwa inafika kwa tumbo ikiwa mala (MGANDO/MTINDI) .
10. Wewe ni mweusi ukikanyanga makaa unawacha footprint za blak kwa makaa.
11. Nyanyako(bibi yako) mzee mpaka chawa za nywele yake hutembea na bakora.
12. Ati nyinyi ni wengi nyumbani kwenyu yaani buda(baba) yenu hajui majina mpaka huwa
address kama wananchi. (KAMA RAISI ANAPOTOA HOTUBA)
13. TV yenyu ni Ndogo lazima ufunge jicho moja ndio uone picha.
14. Wewe mblack mpaka unasweat soot.
15. Wewe mnono mpaka ukivaa yellow watoto wanafikiria ni schoolbus.
16. Manzii wako ni m ugly mpaka alikataliwa ku act horror(movie ya kutisha) Hollywood.
17. Nyumba yenyu ni ndogo mpaka lazima utoke nje kuchange mind.
18. Kwenyu nyinyi ni wengi mpaka kwa hao(house) kuna round-about.
19. Kwenyu nyinyi ni wa daft (WAJINGA) mpaka kupata driving license ilibidi mpelekwe boarding school.
20. Nywele za watoto wenyu ni ngumu mpaka mnazitumianga kama steel wool.
21. Mko wengi kwa hao(house) mpaka kuna rush hours na kukinyesha kunakuwa na jam
.
22. Wewe ni mshort mpaka ukishuka kutoka kwa zile vitanda double decker lazima utumie
parachute.
23. Ati TV yenu ni ndogo hadi wasee wa news huanza kwa kusema ..ati Munatuona jamani?
24. Sistaako ni ugly mpaka monkey ikampatia ndizi.
25. We mblack mpaka ukikutana na mzungu afternoon anakushow good evening?
26. Ngombe yenu mzee mpaka inatoanga yogurt
27. Kwenu kumekauka mpaka ngombe yenu hutoa milk powder.
28. Wee ni mzee mpaka ukiumwa na mosquito zina tema mate
29. Paka yenu noma mpaka iki shika panya inaitisha chumvi, fork na pilipili.
30. Kwenu nyinyi ni wengi mpaka mkipigwa family photo wengine wanatokea kama wame hang(ning’inia) kwa frame.
31. TV yenu ndogo mpaka wasee wa News(watangazaji wa habari) wame piga magoti.
32. We mrefu mpaka ukianza kuvaa underwear mbichi by the time ifike kwa magoti ime kauka.
33. Nyumba yenu ni chafu mpaka cockroach huvaa slippers(malapa) .
34. Budako(baba yako) ni ****, alienda ku buy ngombe akaona ikikojoa akasema, sitaki hiyo, imetoboka.
CUSTOMER'S COMPLAINTS
A man boarded a plane with 5 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer’s complaints.” He replied.
LITTLE JOHN
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!
A TEACHER
The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual sizewhen stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
TRY THIS,YOU WILL ENJOY
Its realy FUN!! Take you phone, switch it to Vibrate mode then put it into water, after there call from siting room, surely your phone will start swimming
MEDICAL ALERT
Medical alert about a virus called " Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK). If you come into contact with this VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWork Medicine"(RUM), " Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter" (BEER), "Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen" (VODKA)
WHAT'S WRONG WITH WAHAYA!!!
It worth reading the story; Swali moja majibu kibao.
Doctor : What happened to your arm?
Rwegumiza : I broke it.
Doctor : Where and How did that happen?
Rwegumiza : Okey. It was a normal Saturday afternoon.I was on the second floor balcony of that my house in Oysterbay, not the one in Msasani slip...
Doctor : Is that where you broke your arm,the balcony?
Rwegumiza : No no ... I was sipping that my scotch whisky slowly... you know my son recently came from the UK and he brought me some blue label.Anyway...as I continued sipping, I realised that the sun's rays were not getting directly to me, as the satellite dish was blocking them. Before I could instruct the domestic engineer to automatically turn away the dish, my butler James came up the balcony and informed me that there was this call on my social cellular phone, Nokia N91 new generation . I reminded him to always bring the cellular up instead of calling me. As I hurried down the marble escalator ...
Doctor : I guess that is when you...
Rwegumiza : No, as I was going down I noticed the garage door was open and a car alarm was on. I stopped to check and indeed the new model Prado was missing. I knew Mama Koku my beautiful second wife had taken it.Koku is our second daughter, now in Boston USA and is named after my late grandmother, who passed away in 1972 after a sort illness.
I have always warned Mama Koku never to use the 4 by 4 on weekends, because of the recent spate of car-jackings. I always advise her to either use the Mercedes 230E or the BMW 325I which are not very attractive for thugs. That reminds me, I will have to tell my secretary to call "car-track " first thing on Monday -Jowa! I need to update my mobility inventory with them.So as I was saying....
Doctor : (With some laughter) Yes Mr Rwegumiza, car theft incidences are rising and it is becoming a dangerous place. But how did you break your arm?
Rwegumiza : Yes I was coming to that. On my way to pick the cell tel I heard a hissing sound. I stopped to check where it was coming from. Ahh, it was from the bathroom. Mama Koku, for some reason, had left the Jacuzzi on.Luckily the temp and speed were at the minimum. I usually recommend such speed and temp so that we do not overload the UPS support system , especially when our son's home theatre system is on .
Doctor : Mr Rwegu...
Rwegumiza : Just wait... So I when I picked up the phone, I said Hello,Hello...Hello, but nothing. I became upset because I think the caller from state house had disconnected, I cant understand why he didn't leave a message after the beep.All my un-answered calls including the car mobiles are automatically redirected to a CAMS system. Doc, a CAMS is a "Central Answering Machine System". Anyway, on my way back I did not notice the protruding wire from the satellite dish. I had on many occasions told Multi Choice to send in a qualified techni...
Doctor : ...is that where you tripped?
Rwegumiza : No, as I was avoiding the wire, I tripped on the Multichoice 250 channel decoder and fell on the 200 year old classical family piano..........
Doctor : Thank you. Such an expensive trip will cost you only 850.
Rwegumiza: hands over the money excitedly...)
Doctor: Not Tanzanian shillings, Dollars!
Rwegumiza : Aii....maweeee.....then I shall write you a cheque drawn from my overseas account with Fast Boston Bank Massachussets....you can not go wrong on that one
Kumbe Rwegumiza is a "desk officer" at Temeke Municipal Council ................!!!!
Enjoy!!
POLITICIAN
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.The old farmer after seeing what happened,went over to investigate.He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later,the local sheriff came out,saw the crashed bus and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried all of them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer,'were they ALL dead?' The old farmer replied;"well some of them said they weren't but you know how them politicians lie".
WHEN I WAS A KID
when I was a KID:
Pussy meant CAT,
Sex meant GENDER,
Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,
Dick was a NAME,
BJ was a NICK-NAME,
Bang was a SOUND,
Rubber was just like PLASTIC,
Ass was an ANIMAL,
Screw was just a NUT,
Tit was a SNACK,
Head meant a part of BODY !!
But Now ____________
Everything is just Damn Complicated .???.... ;)
Pussy meant CAT,
Sex meant GENDER,
Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,
Dick was a NAME,
BJ was a NICK-NAME,
Bang was a SOUND,
Rubber was just like PLASTIC,
Ass was an ANIMAL,
Screw was just a NUT,
Tit was a SNACK,
Head meant a part of BODY !!
But Now ____________
Everything is just Damn Complicated .???.... ;)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
HOT AIR HOSTESS
Man to super Hot Air hostess: What's your Name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz
Man: Wow, lovely name. Any relation with mercedez Benz? Air hostess (smilling) : ''same price''.
Man: Wow, lovely name. Any relation with mercedez Benz? Air hostess (smilling) : ''same price''.
FASTEST FATHER
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30PM and he is home by 3:45PM
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30PM and he is home by 3:45PM
A rich, poor and Kenyan kids in an English class!
Teacher: Okay kids, I want you to make a sentance with 'liver' and 'cheese'.
The Rich kid: Yesterday my mom bought fresh liver and 500gr of cheese to cook pate and cheese cake. It was delicious!
Teacher: Well done George, good sentance!
The poor kid: Yesterday I stole a piece of liver and 250gr of cheese from the super market. My mother boiled the liver and we eat it with cheese and crackers.
Teacher: Okay Billy, that will do!
The Kenyan kid: Jesterdei I saw a boy hitting my sista Janeti; I say, "Hey bastard, liver alone cheez my sista!"
The Rich kid: Yesterday my mom bought fresh liver and 500gr of cheese to cook pate and cheese cake. It was delicious!
Teacher: Well done George, good sentance!
The poor kid: Yesterday I stole a piece of liver and 250gr of cheese from the super market. My mother boiled the liver and we eat it with cheese and crackers.
Teacher: Okay Billy, that will do!
The Kenyan kid: Jesterdei I saw a boy hitting my sista Janeti; I say, "Hey bastard, liver alone cheez my sista!"
IDD AMIN DADA
For sure English is not our mother’s tongue & if it is wrongly pronounced it can totally mean something different 2 what u want 2 say.
Memorable Speech of Idi Amin Dada
After a luncheon hosted by the Queen in London in his honour, the former Ugandan leader Idi Amin Dada had this to say for his vote of thanks.
"My majesty Mr. Queen Sir,
horrible ministers and members of parliament,
invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen.
I hereby thank you completely…..Mr. Queen, sir;
and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda
who come with me.
We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely:
And also very thanks to you keenly open up from all windows:
so that those plenty climax can come into lunch. But before I go
back to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of London
I wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda so
that we can also revenge on you .
You will eat a full cow: and also feel up your stomach and
walk with difficult because of full stomach completely.
Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure that
you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion
completely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.
"But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I have
made a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long call
on you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very much
to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished
ladies under gentlemen sir.
Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem
of the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem...Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms
of all the people of Uganda .
With this few words I thank you Sir.
Memorable Speech of Idi Amin Dada
After a luncheon hosted by the Queen in London in his honour, the former Ugandan leader Idi Amin Dada had this to say for his vote of thanks.
"My majesty Mr. Queen Sir,
horrible ministers and members of parliament,
invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen.
I hereby thank you completely…..Mr. Queen, sir;
and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda
who come with me.
We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely:
And also very thanks to you keenly open up from all windows:
so that those plenty climax can come into lunch. But before I go
back to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of London
I wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda so
that we can also revenge on you .
You will eat a full cow: and also feel up your stomach and
walk with difficult because of full stomach completely.
Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure that
you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion
completely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.
"But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I have
made a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long call
on you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very much
to allow me to undress you completely before these extinguished
ladies under gentlemen sir.
Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem
of the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem...Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms
of all the people of Uganda .
With this few words I thank you Sir.
A SON IN A BOARDING SCHOOL
A son in a boarding school wrote to his Dad "... conditional critical at school, send money else suicide!". Dad replies " situation at home very terrible, suicide approved!".
TOO MUCH SELECTIVE
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested-"I'm looking for a spouse,can you please help me find a suitable one?". The marriage officer said"your requirements please". "Well let me see,needs to be good looking,polite,humorous,sporty,knowledgeable,good at singing and dancing,willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if i don't go out,telling me interesting stories when i need a companion for conversation and be silent when i want to rest". The officer listened carefully and replied,"I understand,you need a TELEVISION!
TEENAGE WITH PHONE
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half and hour, and then she hung up. ''Wow!'' said her father, '' That was short. You usually talk for two hourz. What happened!?''. ''Wrong number'' replied the girl.
A LADY LOST THREE PANTIES
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. The Maid defended herself by saying "Sir, you are my witness you know I never wear panties."
NO TIME TO GO HEAVEN
Children were at a church for a sunday school session. At a certain moment during the divine teaching session,the Pastor asked the children; Are you ready now to go to heaven? While most of them replied, yes, one girl said No I can not go to heaven because my mom said soon after sunday school I have to go home immediately to do some work!
A MARRIAGE PROMISE
Marriage Promise
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids....
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids....
A TEENAGE GIRL
Daugher: Mummy that man gave me 10 rupees to climb that tree. Mother: Stupid! He wanted to see ur panty. Daughter: I am clever i din't wear any of them.
AIRPLANE ABOUT TO CRASH
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.... So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, J.K, said: "I'm President of Tanzania, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in Tanzania's history, so Tanzania's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Tanzania's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
So that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum !!!!!
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked "Dad why?" He answered "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum."
SHE CAME AT NIGHT
She came at night,
explored my body,
got on top of me,
touched me,
she bit me, sucked, swallowed.
When I wake up she had gone.
I was hurt.
Was it a dream?
No! It was true.
BLOODY… MOSQUITO !!!!
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